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Tools for Handling Control IssuesEliminating ManipulationContent:
What is manipulation?Manipulation
is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:
Get
you what you want from others even when the others are not willing initially
to give it to you.
Make
it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer of help
on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this idea
or need for help for your own benefit. Dishonestly
get people to do or act in a way which they might not have freely chosen
on their own. "Con''
people to believe what you want them to believe as true. Get
"your way'' in almost every interaction you have with people, places, or
things. Present
reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it "really
is.'' Hide
behind a "mask'' and let people see you in an acceptable way when in reality
you are actually feeling or acting in an ``unacceptable'' way for these
people. Maintain
control and power over others even though they think they have the control
and power. Make
other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better for them
to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions. Get
away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your obligations,
responsibilities, and duties in life. Involve
everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face the problems
alone. Keep
everything the same so that the "status quo'' is not affected or changed. Make
others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are yours
alone. Get
others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that you do
not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything that goes
wrong in your life.
Manipulative Behavior
Inventory
Directions:
If you currently use any of the following behaviors in your relationships
with people in your life, mark yes.
___
yes___ no(
1)Play the victim ___
yes___ no(
2)Play the martyr ___
yes___ no(
3)Act helpless ___
yes___ no(
4)Play stupid ___
yes___ no(
5)Act incompetent ___
yes___ no(
6)Act angry ___
yes___ no(
7)Throw temper tantrums ___
yes___ no(
8)Say "anything you want'' when you
don't mean it ___
yes___ no(
9)Act compliant when you don't want
to ___
yes___ no(10)Lie
about how you feel ___
yes___ no(11)Act
lost ___
yes___ no(12)Act
suicidal ___
yes___ no(13)Act
hopeless and pathetic ___
yes___ no(14)Act
depressed ___
yes___ no(15)Act
befuddled or confused ___
yes___ no(16)Tell
stories or fabrications ___
yes___ no(17)Use
hyperbole or exaggeration to build up problems ___
yes___ no(18)Act
as a "wedge'' between people keeping them divided against one another ___
yes___ no(19)Act
judgmental or shame people ___
yes___ no(20)Use
guilt trips ___
yes___ no(21)Use
ridicule ___
yes___ no(22)"Cry
wolf'' ___
yes___ no(23)"Looking
good'' for the other ___
yes___ no(24)People
pleasing
___
yes___ no(25)Passive
aggressiveness ___
yes___ no(26)Act
hurt or wounded ___
yes___ no(27)Act
ignored or forgotten ___
yes___ no(28)Act
unloved or uncared for ___
yes___ no(29)Blame
others for your problems ___
yes___ no(30)Kiss
up ___
yes___ no(31)Act
overly solicitous ___
yes___ no(32)Ingratiate
yourself with others ___
yes___ no(33)Exaggerated
sincerity ___
yes___ no(34)Overly
charming ___
yes___ no(35)Act
"out of it'' ___
yes___ no(36)Act
"sorry'' for your bad behaviors ___
yes___ no(37)Insincere
promising of change or reformation of behaviors ___
yes___ no(38)Act
as if you don't have value or worth ___
yes___ no(39)Keep
everybody upset to keep focus off you ___
yes___ no(40)Keep
people around you in competitive relationships What are the negative effects of manipulation?The
negative effects of continued use of manipulation to control others are
that:
People
will wake up to your "con job'' on them and be no longer willing to support,
assist, or help out when you need them.
You
will become more likely to believe your own "con'' stories and fantasies
and slip into a "pre-psychotic'' state with the inability to tell the difference
between the reality and fantasy in your stories and lies. You
will get caught up in the need to continue to manipulate and con because
it is the only way people will respond to you since they won't be able
to relate to you as a "real'' or authentic person because that side of
you is rarely shown. People
will find it difficult to fully trust you in the future and they will intentionally
distance themselves from you for their own self-protection. You
run the risk of loss of a healthy "conscience'' and you will not be able
to see the wrongness of your lying, conniving and storytelling. People
will be hurt by your behaviors because they will have opened themselves
up to you by believing your "con job'' and then will be hit in the face
by the reality of your scam on them. You
run the risk of being the recipient of others' anger, resentment, revenge
seeking, hatred, or rage when they 'wake up'' to how they have been manipulated,
used and abused. You
will use up enormous amounts of emotional energy in continuing your con
of others and have little left to care for yourself. You
will experience a greater degree of stress and anxiety as time goes on
and your con story line becomes more complex and people begin to pick apart
the falsehood and dishonesty in your story. You
will experience depression and an emptiness as you realize that all of
your success up to a point has been built like a "house of cards.'' Your
low self-esteem will be exacerbated because of the lack of ability to take
pride in your hard honest work to become everything you were capable of
becoming. How is manipulation a control issue?Manipulation
is a control issue because:
It
can be a "politically savvy'' tool to handle over-controlling, intimidating,
and autocratic people, places, or things, by giving the impression that
the others have the "power'' when in reality you are freely doing what
you need to do in order to politically survive
and thus retain the "locus of control'' in your own hands. The
goal of manipulation is to control and overpower other people to do
what you want them to do for you. It
is the unhealthy use of "power'' tactics to get something for yourself
even if it robs others of their freedom of choice, reason, and rationality. It
uses control behaviors such as
suicidal gestures
to blackmail people to do and be for you the way you want them to be. Sets
up over controllers to rescue, as you get away with shifting your responsibility
for yourself off on others, you will become more helpless
so will seek out "fixers,'' "caretakers,''
and "rescuers'' to take care of you. Hooks
others since you might be an unchangeable and uncontrollable
factor in someone else's life and yet keep that person "hooked'' into trying
to ``be there'' for you when it becomes unhealthy or toxic for that person
to continue to do so. It
involves dishonesty, deceit,
use of masks, lack of clarity of messages
sent, and pretense in order to get people to be the way you want them to
be. It
can be a subtle use of control over others since
you get them to do for you what they might not have freely chosen to do
on their own will. It
is a form of mind control or brainwashing to control the thinking of
others in a way which may not be consistent with their previous pattern
of behavior, feeling or thinking. Subversive
means to get others to puppet what you lead them to do is use of power
and control which is problematic and dangerous for those manipulated. Power
position since tt places the "manipulator'' in a power position in
control of the emotions and reasoning of those being manipulated. "Survival''
technique
which allows you to retain control of your life to ensure
you that no one takes advantage of you. Power
struggle tool, since in any struggle for power and control it is a
tool'' which is used to catch the other side off guard in order to win''
the contest. What irrational thinking leads to use of manipulation?If
you do not keep others hooked on being involved with you, you will end
up being ignored, unaccepted, or unwanted.
Use
of manipulation was the only way you have ever gotten what you needed in
life so why should you learn new ways of achieving the same end. Use
any means you need to "win'' since "winning'' is all that counts in life. Don't
ever let others think they have the "upper hand'' on you so that they never
can take advantage of you. It
is always better to show the "perfect'' you to people than to let them
see the "real'' you. There
is a "sucker'' born every minute so if you work hard enough you can sucker
someone into taking care of all of your needs. You
can fool all of the people all of the time in order to get what you want
out of them. You
must get others deeply involved in your life's problems in order for you
to feel important, the center of attention, cared for, approved of, and
accepted. You
are most successful when you are able to "delegate'' to others what you
need to be doing for yourself. If
it works use it; worry about the consequences later. Perception is reality, all that people are concerned about is their perception about things not the truth or underlying reality of the real situation. Ways to eliminate manipulation in your relationshipsIn
order to cease using manipulation in your relationships with others, you
can try these steps:
First:Identify
what behaviors you are using in your relationships with others in order
to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do for you. Second:
Identify what issues in your life you are not wanting to accept
personal responsibility for and which lead you to manipulate others
to ignore or take care of for you. Third:Identify
your feelings about the issues in your life that you manipulate others
to address or ignore. Fourth:Identify
what irrational beliefs underlie your need to manipulate others to take
over the responsibility for the issues in your life. Fifth:Identify
what new beliefs about these issues would make you more personally responsible
and a more "authentic'' or "real'' person. Sixth:Identify
what fears block your taking personal responsibility for these issues in
your life and thus lead you to manipulate others to ignore or take care
of them for you. Seventh:Identify
new feelings about these issues which would help you to be more realistic
and more responsible as you face these issues. Eighth:Identify
new healthy, more productive coping behaviors which you can put into practice
which will help you to become more personally responsible and less manipulative. Ninth:Inform
those people you have been manipulating to take care of you that you are
now going to take the full responsibility for these issues on your own. Tenth:Seek
support from people in your life to assist you not to fall back into manipulating
others to ignore or to take care of these issues for you. Eleventh:Give
permission to the people in your life to "call you on it'' when you are
falling back into the manipulative behaviors by which you try to control
them to take responsibility for the issues in your life. Twelfth:When
you find yourself falling back into use of manipulation, return to the
first step and start over again. Step
2:Once
you've identified the manipulative behaviors you use to get people to do
things for you to ignore your problems or to keep them off guard, you then
need to identify who are the people you manipulate. In your journal, identify
the people you manipulate. Step
3:Why
do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal the issues present in
your life which you manipulate others to address or ignore. Answer the
following questions about these issues. A.How
do you feel about each of these issues? B.Why
do you feel a need to manipulate others concerning these issues? C.Which
issues do you want others to ignore or overlook? D.Which
issues do you want others to fix or change for you? E.Which
issues do you want others to feel responsible for? F.Which
issues overwhelm you? Which issues overwhelm others? G.Which
issues depress you? Anger you? H.Which
issues do you want to run away from? I.Which
issues do you feel helpless to deal with? Hopeless to cope with? Step
4:In
your journal now identify: A.What
irrational beliefs keep you from successfully coping with each issue identified
in Step 3? B.What
new, healthy, more rational beliefs do you need in order to cope with and
handle these issues? C.What
thinking keeps you from accepting personal
responsibility for your problems and issues? D.What
new thinking do you need in order to accept
personal responsibility for your own problems and issues? Step
6:Implement
these new behaviors. Step
7:Inform
people of your old manipulative behaviors and give them permission to "call
you on it'' if you fall back into old manipulative ways. Step
8:If
you find yourself relapsing back into manipulative behaviors to get people
to ignore or take care of you, then return to Step 1 and begin over again. |
Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D., Email: jjmess@tampabay.rr.com ©1999-2006 James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance Messina, Ph.D. Note: Original materials on this site may be reproduced for your personal, educational, or noncommercial use as long as you credit the authors and website. |