Warning:
If you don't like to see absolute nonsensical philosophy smashed, but would rather suggest that everyone has their free right to speech, and a fair hearing, you will have fun at this page.

Those who find ridicule of others distasteful, go back now; those who cannot discriminate a clear direction please proceed, you may find yourself in these pages. Followers of MadhwAcharya, I am extremely sorry to slow the fun down by this warning, it is okay now, we can get stuck into the mayavadins.

Did you here the one about the mayavadi who went into the pizza parlour and requested the fellow behind the counter to, "Make me one with everything!"

* * *

A simple refutation of mayavad:
 
Certainly it is not all one, for even the length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on.
 

* * *

Once a yogi was giving a talk at the Kumbha Mela in Allahabad, India.  As he was talking, a snake came out in front of everyone.  This snake had red ants crawling all over him, and the red ants were biting the snake very badly.  The snake's skin was hanging off its body.  Upon seeing this, the yogi laughed and laughed, and some of the audience were surprised.  "Why are you laughing at this poor creature?  Don't you have any compassion?"  The yogi replied, "You don't understand.  In his last life, this snake was a guru, but he accepted his disciple's service for his own sense gratification.  Now his disciples are getting back at him."

* * *

Once at a Kumbha Mela in Allahabad in the cold month of Magha (January) in the midst of literally, without any exaggeration, millions of pilgrims, some personalists, some jnanis, some munis, and  mayavadis. Amongst all this there was a contingent of ISKCON devotees. One of the devotees had two huge woollen blankets wrapped around him on that cold morning.
A mayavadi saw him and his two blankets and coming up close asked if he allow the mayavadi to borrow one to keep warm. So the ISKCON devotee to the surprise of the mayavadi took out one long thread from the blanket and gave it to the astonished mayavadi, who stared at it in bewilderment.
The devotee then said, "what's the funny look on your face for............that is your philosophy isn't it......... the part is equal to the whole... so enjoy.... keep warm, our blankets are one!"

* * *

There is a nice story in connection with His Divine Grace Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur Prabhupada. Once 'some mayavadi' came to challenge, so Srila Bhaktisiddhanta asked one of his disciples to ask the mayavadi if he liked to eat mangoes. The reply came back that yes he did. So Srila Bhaktisiddhanta sent out a whole box of mouldy, black rotten mangoes and insisted that the mayavadi eat them.
 "No, no. Please don't feel shy, you can eat the whole box. They are for you!" Srila Bhaktisiddhanta said.
 After managing to hold back his vomit, the mayavadi enquired as to why the powerful Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati had forced him to eat all those old and rotten mangoes. Srila Bhaktisiddhanta simply replied in words to the effect, "......surely they were nice, undifferentiated brahman mangoes, non different from fresh ones. Weren't they?"  That mayavadi took a vow on the spot to never, EVER preach that ridiculous philosophy again as long as he lived.

* * *

The last that was heard from that mayavadi Swami was when he went to lunch, after preaching to that cannibal?

Now, apparently they are one.

* * *

To illustrate the foolishness of the imitative followers of Sankara, there is a story about a doctor and his apprentice. There was a famous veterinarian who travelled to many farms and had good success in curing the illnesses of animals. The veterinarian also had an assistant who accompanied him, but this assistant had an envious and ambitious desire to replace his master and to prematurely become a master veterinarian himself. On one occasion  the veterinarian was called to a farm where he discovered a valuable horse whose neck was greatly swollen. The veterinarian opened the mouth of the horse, examined inside, and then asked the apprentice to hand him his work bag. taking out from the bag a wooden mallet, the veterinarian proceeded to smash at the horse's neck. Very soon after this unusual action, the horse's swelling subsided, and the farmer thankfully praised and paid the veterinarian for his work. Almost immediately after the incident, the apprentice deserted the doctor and decided to become a veterinarian himself. Word soon got around that the apprentice was posing as genuine veterinarian but was causing havoc wherever he went. The report was that the so-called veterinarian was in fact killing the animals whenever they came with their various growths, cists, and swellings rather than administering the necessary treatment. Finally the master veterinarian caught up with this rascal and strongly rebuked him. "What do you think that you are doing, I hear you are imitating my practice, but as a result you are killing poor animals wherever you go." The cheating apprentice replied, "But I am only doing what I saw you do." The apprentice then explained that he was only doing what he had seen his master do on that last visit. "I couldn't quite understand, I did everything that you did whenever I went to see an ailing animal, I would smash it with the mallet, but unfortunately the results were not as good as yours." "You fool !" said the real veterinarian. "What you saw was a very special case. That horse had swallowed a watermelon, and so I had to break it, by hitting it from the outside. It was particular to this case and not a general practice for all cases. This is the same with the philosophy of Sankaracarya. He is an incarnation of Lord Siva, therefore he is exalted. But Sankara's deceptive teachings of mayavad philosophy were just like the veterinarian's actions who applied a certain measure in a particular situation. It was not intended for everyone to be perpetuated as eternal dharma, as is done by his so-called followers, of the mayavadi philosophers. It was only a part of the structure of a great bridge that was designed to span the ages and redirect misdirected souls back to the real and authorised understanding of who is God and what our relationship is with Him.

* * *

A foolish mayavadi once approached the Deity and surprised when the Deity replied to his presence there asked "the God" how long a million years was to Him.
"the God" replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."
Then the foolish mayavadi asked the Deity if He was the Lord of everything, what a million dollars was to Him.
"the God" replied,  "A million dollars  to me is just like a single penny/cent/paisa to you."
 Then the foolish mayavadi revealing his heart full of material desires got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have some of your paisa/cents/pennies?"
Not to be fooled by anyone, "the God" smiled and replied, "Certainly, just in a second."

* * *

To show the ridiculousness of the philosophy of kevaladwaita, undifferentiated brahman we would like to use the following example regarding the term Prabhu.
 This Prabhu-Tattwa still permeates parts of Australia and New Zealand even to this day.

There once was a strange land where the habit of everyone was to call everyone Prabhu or Master. Then one day a person from another place came who knew that although it was a fact that everyone who was in relation to Prabhu was a prabhu, it was not that in fact everyone was Prabhu. He could see that there was the Supreme Prabhu, Mahaprabhu, then there was Prabhupadas, at who's feet many other prabhu's sit. The undifferentiated "prabhus" were finding it difficult to do things, for example one day he went to try to find his father prabhu, and so asked a crowd of prabhus', "Have you seen prabhu?" They all replied, "yes we have seen hundreds, which 'prabhu' did you want." Frustrated at the undifferentiated nature that he was merged in, he sought help from a wise prabhu. He knew that actually he had to differentiate between prabhus, even if what was the popular flow was not to differentiate. He approached the wise prabhu, "Prabhu do you know where my prabhu is?" The wise prabhu replied, "my child in what relation to you is the prabhu that you are looking for. "Relation what's that?" The wise prabhu replied, "Relation is a term which defines how we prabhus personally interact with the things around us, which naturally formulate reciprocal personal dealings or relationships. So please tell me what kind of relationship that prabhu who you seek has with you and I will tell you if I have seen them or him, and maybe where they may be found." The boy replied "I am looking for that person who was the cause of my birth here." "You mean your Pita, father who impregnated your Mata, mother. Yes he is over there, see."

"Thank you prabhu, for pointing out such a simple difference, now I feel that I can discriminate as to who are the separated, differentiated parts. Who is the original seed giving father, aham prajah pradah pita who is the complete whole and what my relationship is with Him and this material nature." (panch-beda philosophy of Madhwa)

* * *

According to mayavada philosophy everything is one. Everything is Brahman. I am non different from you Brahman, you Brahman and me Brahman both, are non different from God Brahman, or from the material elements Brahman. Because everything is Brahman. 'Problem is due to their neglect of the finer details of how Brahman functions according to quality, attribute and its manifestations and proportionate limitations they tend to think that the gold in the gold mine is equal to the gold of a tiny nose stud, or toe ring. But we know don't we, that qualitatively it is true that they are both gold, but in quantity they are different. Gold in the mine is vast and gold in the ring is limited. The mayavadis are very good at fooling many ignorant persons into thinking that there is total equality in everything. And that, tat twam asi, that I am! I am that Brahman, Absolute, God.

Going along with this philosophy they say that simply by saying the red is running infers according to them that red runs. But according to our Vaisnava philosophy we understand that there is an unknown missing factor. Not that anything red runs, or that as soon as you write the word red it runs of the page. Could it be that there is a horse, and that is what is red, or that there is a dog, and the name of the dog that is running is Red. Nice boy Red !

Another example that we can give is that of the town on the South coast of England called Brighton on Sea, does this mean that Brighton is actually on the sea. No, not at all, but Brighton is on the shore of the sea. The mayavadis other famous example of non difference is that of white and a pot. Pour the water into the white pot. So are white and pot the same? If so pour the water into the white.............! Or is everything that is white a pot? Not likely, don't you pour that water on my white dhoti.

So being careful, and bearing all this nonsense undifferentiated one philosophy in mind, what happens if a red hat falls into the black sea?

It gets wet!

* * *

A mayavadi at the monestary was painting the celling of the huge hall while standing on
very high lader.

Another mayavadi calls out to him.

"Hey Narayana, hold on to the brush I am taking the lader away!"

* * *

Some people who pat you on the back are only looking for a soft spot to knife you at a future date.

* * *

When I perform fire yajnas, I often the remember the words of a 'late' old friend and guide as he addressed the assembled devotees and guests at the sacrificial arena, shala.

".....just as the fire is brahman, and the samaghri (offering) is also Brahman, and the hotri (priest offering, or officiating) is also brahman, please be careful to throw you samaghri brahman into the fire brahman and not onto the hotri brahman. This is the practical proof defeating the philosophy of undifferentiated oneness."
      (the late Jayatirtha das).

* * *

THE MAYAVADIS SAY EVERYTHING IS ONE BUT WE DISAGREE THEREFORE THERE IS TWO.
   (From a lecture by Srila Prabhupada)

* * *

Yaçodänandana: That your vision of seeing God...
Prabhupäda: Yes. So we admit that, that when we see that “I am separate from...” Then the same example: If the finger thinks that it is separate from the body, that is ignorance, because the finger is required by the body to serve the body. So if he thinks, “No, I’ll not serve you because I am different,” that is ignorance. That is ignorance. That is going on. These Mäyävädés, they refuse to serve God. That is ignorance. If they are part and parcel of God or one with God, how you can refuse to serve? That is ignorant. Here the finger is my part and parcel of the body. It cannot refuse to serve. I say; immediately it comes. So if the finger thinks that “I am one. Why shall I serve the whole body?” that is ignorance. Cetana. Cetana means activity. So if I am one with God, then my activities should be simultaneously with God. That is oneness. I don’t disagree. God says, “You do it.” I disagree. God says, “You surrender unto Me,” but I refuse. That is ignorance. If I am actually one with God, just I am asking, “You do this”—you do immediately. But if you do not do it, that is ignorance. Gurur avajïä. Then he becomes aparädhé. Similarly, oneness means no disagreement. That is oneness, cetana. Cetana means I can disagree or agree. Two things are there. That is cetana. So cetana, cetanaç cetanänaà. So when God says that “You do it,” you must do it. That is agreement. That is oneness. If you refuse, that is ignorance. How can you refuse? Suppose you.... Take the whole family, and the head of the families asks somebody to do something. If he refuses, then that is rebellious condition. In the state the citizen must agree with the government. Cetana. Cetana means he has got both the things. If he likes, he can agree; if he likes, he does not agree.
Vasughoña: So their big word is that you merge and you become that. So how...
Prabhupäda: That is merging. They do not know what is merging. Merging means “I, so long I was disagreeing; now I agree to abide by Your...” That is merging. Just like several states they merge into one. So they agree to work unitedly. That is merging. Merging does not mean that you have got your discretion and that is finished. That is not merging. Then your cetana is lost. How it can be lost? (A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. 6th January 1976. Morning Walk. Nellore, India)

* *

A mayavadi and a devotee who had lived in the same holy place for a long time, were walking through town one day. The mayavadi turned to the devotee and said, "You know all these years since coming here, I've been making pickles and storing it in jars. Some of that pickle is fifty years old now, and tastes wonderful. If I don't get to eat it all before I gain liberation into the Absolute would you pour all that pickle remaining all over my body so as we can be as one forever ?"

The devotee nodded his head affirmative, but knowing this kind of insidious philosophy remarked. "Sure I'll do that for you, but do you mind if, so that I also appreciate the oneness of this pickle, that I pass it through my intestine first?"

* * *

Once a mayavadi who was diligently searching along the edge of the pavement and gutter was approached by a police officer who asked, "What are you looking for?"
"I just lost my ten rupee note."
"Where did you lose it?"
"About half a block down the street."
"Well, why are you looking for it here?" asked the rather intolerant policeman.
"Oh, it was much better light over here."

* * *

Once a mayavadi sannyasin came to beg alms from the young boy Purna Prajna Tirtha, who latter became Madhwacarya.
 The mayavadi held out his uttara (angavastra) and asked for a donation of food.

Madhwa's reply was, "No thank you I've already eaten."

* * *

Walking by the side of the Yamuna in Vrindavan a devotee saw a person crouched like a bird. "Hey what are you doing?" Asked the devotee. "I'm practicing for my siddha swarupa." "Oh, do you already know it?"
Then how come the natural symptoms haven't yet manifested?"

* * *

When we reflect back on the contributions left by persons like Vivekananda we see some interesting scenarios influencing today's world that we live in. "Because I am not this body I can have illicit sex and nothing will affect me, .......I am not this body, so today I am Christian and I can eat fish, tomorrow a Muslim, and I can eat beef, the next day .......whatever comes I will eat, I am a Buddhist !
 You can do anything (do your own thing), as long as you think that you are not the body, that you are either God, or that you are already saved."
 

* * *

Why do elephants pain their toe nails red?

So that they can hide in cherry trees!

Have you ever seen and elephant in cherry tree?

No !

Good disguise isn't it?

* * *

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?

In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

     Woody Allen.
* * *

Once I went to a friend's house and on the floor I saw that there was a piece of wood on a string on the ground, someone had written on it "Buddhist wind chime."

We laugh, and that's how stupid their philosophy is.

* * *

How do you stop a mayavadi from smelling?

Hold his nose!!!

* * *

A child can come from the womb of its mother and after some time upon seeing the suffering of the material world, may desire to get back in his mother's womb, and away from the seeming cause of the suffering, Dukh.
 An impersonalist is also like that. They become frustrated and disgusted with material relationships, and this world to enjoy, and so they just want to give it all up, and merge into brahman.

But effectively neither can do so!

* * *

My Uncle is so much of a mayavadi, and he snores so loud, that he even wakes himself up.

He's alright now - he sleeps in another room!

* * *

Vivekananda said that books, ritual's, and dogmas and temples are all secondary details. He said they're not the most important thing. You don't have to read the book in order to have the perception.

My question is then. "Why did that fellow write so many books???"

* * *

If it's all one; then what about the half blind cat that chased the mouse upstairs into the bathroom and nearly choked to death on a mouse shaped block of pumice stone, that took the owner nearly an hour to dislodge from its throat?

* * *

"Eat meat, drink alcohol after all it's all brahman," the followers of Vivekanada might say. The philosophy that is supported here is that we are all Narayan, Daridya Narayan, poor Narayans. Some how due to lusty desires they have lost their distinction and discrimination and now fall to the idea that one can eat anything, have any kind of sex with anyone at anytime; simply wine, women (or men), and meat ........I'm o.k., you're o.k., what ever you want to do, it's all o.k.! Narayan is enjoying Narayan.
 "My dear Narayana, are we not truly one, and your wifey Narayana too."
"Oh, yes, yes it is true!" "Then my dear prabhu would you share this wife Narayan with me?"

.........and then Narayan in the form of a tiger comes to devour the debauchee sannyasi Narayana having sex in the forest Narayana, with his disciple Narayana's wife!!!

* * *

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who wanted to become a racecar driver ?

He wanted to go nowhere fast. [Text 2240905 from COM]

* * *

What do you get if you cross a Buddhist and a Morman?

Someone who goes around the neighborhood knocking on doors for no reason.

* * *
 

more coming......