The Real Scientists:

The Information Technology Pantheon:
----------------------------------------
Narada Muni  : Data Transferee
Brihaspati  : Chief Information Officer
Chitragupta  : Personnel Records
Yamaraj  : Reorganisation Consultant
Brahma  : Systems Installation
Vishnu   : Technical Support
Shiva   : Power Surge

 contributed by Sashidhar N. Reddy, U.S.A.

Rama   : Hardware Support
Apsaras  : Down loadable Virus
Devas   : Programmers
Surya   : UNIX Systems Admin
Lakshmi devi  : Manager - Trading Systems
Krishna  : Chief Technological Consultant
Rakshasas  : In House Hackers.

 contributed by Chetan Roy, U.S.A.

* * *

What do you call a diploma in cooking?
A spatula’s degree.

* * *

WHEN YOU HAVE COME TO YOUR FINAL THEORY, CALL US, PLEASE LET US KNOW THEN WE CAN DISCUSS.
     (Hrydayananda das Goswami, Sept 1983, Vrindavan)

* * *

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

* * *

THE PAGES OF HISTORY ARE LITTERED WITH THE DEBRIS OF SO MANY BROKEN THEORIES.
     (Unknown)
* * *

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.

* * *

Could it be, almost as Darwin, maybe intended, that perhaps, the theory of the missing link was actually yet to come. That modern man might be that missing link between the apes and humans, and that Charles Darwin be the origin of that species?

* * *

When you flip the lid on your C-D player, the old one's have written "do look into the  laser with your eyes!"

The later versions have written, "Caution!! Do not look into LASER with remaining eye."

* * *

Material scientists are still puzzled whether all their years of research and experiment in the splitting the atom was a wise crack or not.

* * *

"I heard a loud noise this morning."
"I think it must have been the crack of dawn."

* * *

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute ----- and it's longer than any hour.

That's the theory of relativity.
       Albert Einstein.

* * *

The ruling class has the schools and press under its thumb. This enables it to sway the emotions of the masses.
       Albert Einstein.

* * *

I don't know what's an axolotl, but Harvard University has one in a bottle.

      Ogden Nash.

* * *

WE ARE NOT AGAINST MATTER;

ONLY THE MISUSE OF MATTER

* * *

I read in a newspaper in India in 1984 that when one atheistic scientist from the former Soviet Union came to Calcutta and was being driven in his car across town. As he came through the busy Bara Bazaar area with the cars, trams buses, trucks and rickshaws dodging each other tooting horns without crashing he was heard to declare, "There must be a God, someone has to be in control of this.................!"

* * *

 Evolution (Pun)

 One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him
everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the
radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported
seeing the ape.

 At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials
of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the
library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with
two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great
concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.

 The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied,
"I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether
I am my keeper's brother."

from Stan Kegel

* * *

A scientist comes into his lab' and asks a colleague, "What's good for a head ache?"

"Have you tried a hammer?" was the reply.

* * *

Why experiment on poor sentient animals,
.........when there are so many insentient lawyers and scientists out there???

* * *

The theory of evolution was popular because it made unthinking men think.

* * *

The total intelligence on the planet is constant; it is just the population that is growing.

* * *

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

* * *

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

* * *

To the archaeologists; There are only two specimens of a Neanderthal moron's head in existence. The British Museum has one and you have the other one.

* * *

Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with milk of magnesia
A: A Religious movement

* * *

Modern day Psychiatrists say that one in four people are mentally ill.
Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

* * *

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

* * *

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

* * *

One Ayurvedic doctor warned me about eating too much opulent foodstuffs as it can make you short breathed.

So - who wants long breath anyway!

* * *

Television has destroyed relationships in the family, it used to be that people would sit and talk, play games together, and interact more as a family.
 Last week we found out that the woman whose been watching television with us in the lounge for the past eight years was a complete stranger. My wife thought it was my mother, and I thought it was hers.

* * *

Mark Twain warned, "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

* * *

In this age of hypocrisy and no integrity, there are so many falsities - silicon makes some of them. Faces are getting lifted beyond all belief.

The famous plastic surgeons Messrs' J.M. Stretch, and Tuck, when interviewed recently revealed their brittle secrets of how their business seems to be melting away. They are not too bothered as they moulded their business to bounce back to suit their kneads. By so doing they have smoothed over the market and won the sagging hearts of many.
 Dr Jelly-maya Stretch cracked up at the casting of himself by the media as being a chip off of the old block of his near relatives Quick and Elli Stick Stretch, inventors of the illusory faeces cream used by many today.

Dr Tuck has taken to now trying to increase the population of his local town, and fulfil the long adoption waiting lists by creating life from Jelly babies, no relation to Jelly-maya. He estimates it will cost the tax-payer a mere $4.5 billion for the two year project. His comments were, "Whatever we can do for the benefit of mankind!"

* * *

Just to show the way of the world. Did you know that Uranium wasn't worth practically anything an ounce until someone discovered that you could kill people with it.

* * *

Speech is silver
Silence is golden
......and that loud bang was uranium.

* * *

A Question of Evolution:

On whose conclusions do you base your "facts"????

* * *

Tobacco is a problem weed
'though some think it satisfies their need.
It speedily transmutes to ash
A smoking stack of hard earned cash.
As if that is not bad enough
You kill yourself at every puff.

* * *

Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life
 begins at birth.

But some believe that life begins when the kids moves out, and the dog he left behind dies.
 

* * *

Do you know why so many materialistic scientists are prone to getting lost in deep thought?

Because it's such an unfamiliar territory for them!

* * *

Scientists of today inform us that life began from a single cell.

Due to atheistic propaganda and depersonalisation of almost everything today, many of their modern by products end their time in single cells too ! (sometimes even padded ones).

* * *

One alcoholic I was preaching to at Food For Life objected to my saying, "......that alcohol has contributed to the premature death of so many!"

He said that water has killed more than liquor !

Remember the great flood?

* * *

Brahmacari talking to sankirtan leader after a week preaching in Hippy territory; "Yesterday I felt like a tepee, today I feel like a wigwam."

Sankirtan leader: "Don't worry you're just too tense (two tents).

* * *

In schools today the children don't rub out the blackboard for the teacher any more, - they rub out the teacher.

* * *

In all the wisdom of modern scientific health development has there been any imaginary cure found for Hypochondria?

* * *

Taken from Readers Digest December 1994 page 6. The article is listed as being from "Popular Science" and written by Jonathan Beard.

The earliest known piece of cloth, a 9000 year old scrap about the size of a business card, has been discovered in a village in the southeast of Turkey. The find pushes back the age of the earliest woven textile by 500 to 1000 years.
 Archaeologists believe the making of cloth indicates settled living. They say the people of this village, now called Cayonu, produced linen and lived in sturdy houses. Pottery - making, another milestone of civilisation, began about the same time.

* * *

What is the difference between an archaeologist and a dog?

Both dogs and archaeologists dig in the dirt for bones, both are extremely proud, .......so I guess it must be their height, but which of them really has the right to stand erect.

.....must be the dog, he hasn't misrepresented history as much as the other bone digger, therefore he is the tallest without a doubt!

* * *

In case of nuclear war that Government law against prayer in schools should be overlooked!!!

* * *

War rarely decides who is right, merely who is left !

* * *

........anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined!

* * *

Due to the shortage of faithful followers, the next great leader that everyone has been waiting for has been withheld !
  Graffiti Auckland to Hamilton Motorway 1., 1992.

* * *

An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

You should see the result of garlic and onions!!!

* * *

Most things you can make foolproof; but in this day and age one has to make things dambfoolproof.......!?

* * *

The days of the digital watch are numbered !

* * *

One devotee just came back from India with a rare and contagious disease and was place in quarantine at a local hospital. The visiting doctor, through his mask, told the devotee, "...that from this time on for the next couple of weeks, until we can find out what it is that you've got, you will be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Pancake and pizza," exclaimed the devotee, "Will that help it?"
 "No", replied the doctor, "But it's the only thing we can slip under the door."

* * *

Scientists are sometimes said to be like an uneducated authority. An authority without wisdom is like an axe without an edge; it presents the blunt end of an argument or research, but cannot supply the point of conclusion, or origin.

* * *

It is sometimes said that we were put he on the earth primarily not to see through one another, but to help and see one another through.

* * *

Why did the mad scientist put an elastic band around his forehead?

He was working on a theory, and wanted to stretch his imagination.

* * *

Why wouldn't the scientist allow the sick eagle into the science laboratory?

Because it was ill-eagle.

* * *

Today's subliminal message is
       !!!

* * *

A sign on a hospital bulletin board read:

"Research shows that the first five minutes of life can be most risky."

Pencilled underneath was the anonymous postscript:

"The last five minutes ain't too hot for some either !"

* * *

Did you hear about the deaf and dumb devotee who was lecturing about the government, and broke four fingers?

* * *

As a result of resent archaeological finds in the outback of Australia changes the face of ancient history.
 Prof. S.T.Ray Dog (known as "Digger" for short) found these monolithic tablets in deep layers of previously unexhumed desert. The one reading "SMIFY RULZ" indicates that prior to the European and even Aboriginal cultures there must have been a far older culture over which a ruler of the name Smify presided. As if this wasn't an archaeological gem enough, later that afternoon a statutory tabloid was also found indicating that the great ruler Smify must have had a contemporary, possibly a rival king ho may have been involuntarily defeated and driven away from that place. As the tabloids, written in a seeming hurried manner as if under persecution read; "Kilroy Woz 'Ere" and "Kilroy Lives" again indicating that the rival king Kilroy must have indeed survived and thus been victorious over Smify. No other findings regarding Smify have been found, however other testimonials found in numerous regions reading "Kilroy Woz Ere" have been found.

In this way modern historians and so-called archaeologists overwrite and have overwritten Vedic factual documented history by their presumed findings, which are immediately taken as evidences of a superior or earlier culture that the ancient Vedic civilisation.
 The biggest fault is that Indian academics educated by the British and Christian Church missions then uphold such bazaar and faulty teachings as infallible to the point that such historians have purposefully invented ludicrous different stories based on their speculations to support their theories, nay perversions of history.

* * *
The Minds of Materialistic Scientists, Economists, Engineers and other "Boffins"Revealed.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
 
 

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does
 it work?"
 
 

The graduate with an Economics degree asks, "How much will
 it cost?"
 
 

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like
 fries with that?"
 
 

* * *
 
 

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
 

Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
 

Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.
 

* * *
 

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in
 a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the

house on the other side of the street.  First they see two
 people going into the house.  Time passes.  After a while they
 notice three persons coming out of the house.
 
 

The Physicist: "The initial measurement wasn't accurate".
 

The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
 
 

The Mathematician: "If exactly 1 person enters the house, then
 it will be empty again."
 
 

* * *
 
 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
 the possible designers of the human body.
 

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all
 the joints."
 
 

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous
 system has many thousands of electrical connections."
 

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else
 would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 
 

* * *
 

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a
 pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the
 smallest possible amount of fence.
 
 

The engineer is first.  He herds the sheep into a circle and
 then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use

the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
 
 

The physicist is next.  She creates a circular fence of infinite
 radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
 the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular
 fence around the herd."
 
 

The mathematician is last.  After giving the problem a little
 thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares,

"I define myself to be on the outside!"
 

* * *

Rules of the Road Indian Style.

Travelling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.
 Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the very first time here in English:

Article One:

The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

Article Two:

Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:
 Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, busses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal-rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

Article Three:

All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

Article Four:

Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet - tavi):

 Cars (IV, 1, a-c.):
  1/.  Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, i.e. in clearing dogs, rickshaws and     pedestrians from the path.
  2/.  Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e. to oncoming truck: "I am going too fast   to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die!" In extreme cases this may be     accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
  3/.  Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I    recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my     windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

 Trucks and buses (IV, 2, a.)
  All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 2.5   tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised    by the use of headlamps.

 Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

Article Five:

 All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

Article Six:

 In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These  should be kept fastened at all times.

Article Seven:

 1/.  Rights of way:

 Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the  middle.

 2/.  Lane Discipline (VII, 1.)

 All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the  road.

Article Eight:

 Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have  no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

Article Nine:

 Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle,  irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.
 Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming  traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two  inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - ad one inch in the  case of bicycles or pedestrians.

Article Ten:

 Nirvana may be obtained through the head on crash.

Article Eleven:

 Reversing: No longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

* * *

The Top Ten Signs To Recognise That Maybe You're A Deshi Engineer:

10/. Have you ever taken the back off of your T.V. just to see what's inside?
9/. You're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games.
8/. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tyres.
7/. You still own a slide rule, and you even know how to work it.
6/. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
5/. Your IQ is lower than your weight.
4/. You stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
3/. You can remember seven computer passwords, but not your wedding anniversary.
2/. Your wife hasn't got the foggiest idea what you do at work.
1/. You introduce your wife as mylady@wife.home

* * *

I nferior B ut M arketable
I've Been Mislead

Macintosh: A computer with training wheels that you can't remove.

Multi tasking: Screwing up several things at once.

Software Independent: It wont work with ANY software.

Some men say (not me of course), ".......if only women could come with pull down menus and on line help!"

* * *

French physicist Ampere (1775-1836) had two cats, one big and a one small, and he loved them very much. But when the door was closed cats couldn't enter or exit the room. So Ampere ordered two holes to be made in his door: one big for the big cat, and one small for the small cat

* * *

A lion escaped from the Jerusalem zoo. He was at large for a month, when he was finally captured and returned to his cage his cage-mate asked, "how did you manage to stay alive for a whole month?"
"It was easy," said the lion, "everyday I went to the University and ate a professor."
"How did they catch you?" asked the cage-mate.
"One day, I made a mistake and ate the lady who brings the tea."

* * *

Q: What's the difference between a tenured professor and a terrorist?
A: The terrorist you can sometimes negotiate with.

* * *

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer break. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all have "A's."

* * *

Paul Erdos (Hungarian mathematician, 1913-1996) had the habit of phoning fellow mathematicians over the whole world, no matter what time it was. He remembered the number of every mathematician, but did not know anybody's first name. The only person he called by his Christian name was Tom Trotter, whom he called Bill.

On one occasion, Erdos met a mathematician and asked him where he was from. "Vancouver," the mathematician replied. "Oh, then you must know my good friend Elliot Mendelson," Erdos said. The reply was "I AM your good friend Elliot Mendelson."

* * *

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

– Albert Einstein

* * *

Marilyn Monroe suggests to Einstein: What do you say, professor, shouldn't we marry and have a little baby together: what a baby it would be - my looks and your intelligence!
Einstein: I'm afraid, dear lady, it might be the other way around...

* * *

The story is that Albert Einstein's driver used to sit at the back of the hall during each of his lectures, and after a period of time, remarked to Einstein that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it several times.
So, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back, in driver's uniform.
The driver gave the lecture, flawlessly. At the end, a member of the audience asked a detailed question about some of the subject matter, upon which the lecturer replied, 'well, the answer to that question is quite simple, I bet that my driver, sitting up at the back, there, could

* * *

Before they immigrated to the US, the Einsteins endured the severe economic situation in post WWI Germany. Mrs. E. saved old letters and other scrap paper for Albert to write on and so continue his work.
Years later, Mrs. Einstein was pressed into a public relations tour of some science research center. Dutifully she plodded through lab after lab filled with gleaming new scientific napery, the American scientists explaining things to her in that peculiarly condescending way we all treat non-native speakers of our own language.
Finally she was ushered into a high-chambered observatory, and came face to face with another, larger, scientific contraption. "Well, what's this one for?" she muttered.
"Mrs. Einstein, we use this equipment to probe the deepest secrets of the universe," cooed the chief scientist.
"Is THAT all!" snorted Mrs. E. "My husband did that on the back of old envelopes!"

* * *

What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

* * *

...............Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.

* * *

Q: Does light have mass?
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!

* * *

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock)

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalized exclusion principle - it is impossible for two socks to be in the same state, and when it is in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in - the only time you know where a sock is, is when you are wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it is moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing color, or otherwise becoming indeterminate.

Either way, socks may possess Color and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

* * *

more to come.............