You can tell that it's a strange world where the governments of some countries are trying to ban fireworks to protect little children and animals while they are engaged in at the same time research and manufacturing of nuclear bombs, and open huge slaughter houses.

* * *
Isn't it funny that today's most successful farmers are not those who work hard in the land, but those who sell the rights of that land to the governments, or local councils to stop production of food, or to sell the water rights again so that nothing grows, or they sell to property development companies at inflated prices created by shortage.

* * *

There is a Chinese proverb, "If you want to be happy for one day get drunk, if you want to be happy for a week forget everything, if you want to be happy for a year get married, but if you want to be sustainably happy work with the land, become a gardener and appreciate nature."

* * *

Spiritual life is like a razor's edge, it is said one wrong move could end in blood shed.

In that same vein did you hear about the devotee who was using an old sankirtan road map. The map was so old that as he followed a road on the map coming off highway travelling north on a secondary road wasted two hours pursuing a route to his next sankirtan town, which turned out to be a crease in the map.

* * *

Did you hear about the dwarf devotee who is so small that he used to have to play the harmonium the hard way?

From the inside.

* * *

Hey, Don't take this life too seriously when it's not permanent you know!

* * *

Two people can live as cheaply as one if you're a schizophrenic.

* * *

Once at Gopal's restaurant a man came in and started stuffing himself with vast amounts of prasadam even unseen to the devotees. The devotees thought that maybe he might be a new Bhakta or something, knowing how they can stuff it away.

He turned out to be a taxidermist on holiday.

* * *

It is fate that makes our relatives, while choice makes our friends.

* * *

What did one fly say to the other fly?
Is this stool taken?
 

* * *

A devotee who was travelling around India as a foreign tourist goes to a Rajasthani village to see the 'true' rural India. When he got hungry, he went to an old lady sitting making Bajre ki Roti (a rather large think chapati - bread) by a small temple. She gives him some 'Sarson kaa saag' (mustard sabji) on a Bajre ki Roti. The tourist eats the 'sabji' and returns the roti saying, 'Here is your plate'

* * *

Obstacles are the terrible things that you see when you take your eyes of the goal.

* * *

A person who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.

* * *

One should dress to please others and eat to please oneself.

    Chanakya Pandit.

* * *

A man who has taken up your time recognises no debt; yet it is the one he can never repay.
        Seneca.

* * *

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

* * *

How is it that sometimes there is never enough time to do a job right, but always time to re-do it later?

* * *

Sometimes we see that we try very hard to do things to please others but to no avail. When it comes to getting their undivided attention it seems that making a mistake really does the job.

Many children we seen have picked up on this sadly due to neglect, and use it as a method of getting the required attention.

* * *

All of us could take a lesson from the weather, it pays no attention to criticism.

* * *

Some people say, "How can you chant Hare Krishna for two hours every day?"

Our reply: "how can you watch TV for four hours every day?"

* * *

A man ought to read just as inclination leads him; for what he reads as a task will do him little good.
        Samual Johnson.
* * *

While visiting a restaurant in Amritsar I had noticed that the place had changed since I was last there.

They'd plastered over the bullet holes in the wall.

* * *

An American Indian devotee was visiting India for the first time, and began his journey to Vrindavan at the New Delhi railway station of Hazrat Nizamudin. After getting on the train the T.C. (Ticket Collector) came up and asked him, "Do you have a reservation?"

"Sure do, heap big place near the Rio Grande!" replied the native American devotee.

* * *

A kindness done is never lost. It may take a while, but like a suitcase on the luggage carousel, it will return again.
     Life's Little Lessons by H.Jackson-Brown 1991.

* * *

One devotee that I know used to be a butcher, then he went to Med' school to learn how to become a doctor. Now he serves with the devotee drama troop, he says he's trying to cure hams.

* * *

Aniruddha was showing his wife some family photographs. There was one of him when he was about eight sitting on his father's knee to which after staring at it for a long time, his wife exclaimed.
 "Oh, Haribol prabhu, you never told me your father was a ventriloquist!"

* * *

When one of the new bhaktas joined the temple, the only way he could follow the four regulative principles was to have an operation to stop him drinking.
 
They removed the long brass rail that had been pressing against his foot for years.

* * *

Sign on a company notice board:
 "This firm require no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss and co-workers, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility and pushing their luck."
 From the Financial Times (England).

* * *

One devotee to another, "Prabhu, that offering you just cooked tasted terrible!"
"If you have a problem with it, go and see the Temple President.......!"

"Why, do you think he would taste any better?"

* * *                                           .
                                                    .:::.
 A man walks into a Haliklishna restaurant,       .:::::::.
 and orders his favourite, grilled chestnuts     V^V^V^V^V^V
 on a stick.  Today it doesn't taste quite        (| ^ ^ |)
 right, it has a decidedly tough, chewy side.      | (_) |
                                                   `//=\\'
 He goes up to the cook and says,                  (((()))
 "These chestnuts are rubbery!"                     )))((
                                                    (())))
 And the cook replies, "Sank you belly much!"        ))((
                                                     (()
                                                      ))
                                                      (
* * *

One day a devotee was selling books in the subway when a man fall between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mukunda prabhu elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.  "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Mukunda, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped Mukunda's hand to the amazement of the crowd and was hauled to safety.

Mukunda turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"

* * *

I was out in my front garden yesterday when a rather zealous Christian preacher came up to me, "You in the Christian family?"
I thought for a moment and said, "No, they live about half a mile up the road!"
He replied, "No, .......I mean are you lost?"
I thought again, and said to him, "Well no, you see I've been living here for some years now!"
Getting more frustrated, "......Are you preparing for the judgment day?"
"When is it?" I asked.
The old preacher said, "I'm not sure, could be today, could be tommorrow.....!"
I gave him some prasadam and said, ".......let me know when it is, and my wife and I 'll grab some tickets off you, and come along, okay...."

* * *

As any politician will tell you; You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time......... and that's usually enough.

* * *

When I was out on sankirtan last week I went to the back of the car to get some more books and looked in the boot.

You'll never guess what I found in the boot - a sock.

* * *

Customer at Gopal's Restaurant: "Waiter, there's a small slug on this salad".

Waiter: "Sorry, prabhu, should I get you a bigger one?"

* * *

After living in India for some time and learning about Gandhi's movement of non-co-operation, I've heard it commented that actually despite his passing away, the movement has taken into it's flock best part of the country, even today.

* * *

Once Dharmaraj, (Yamaraj) the divine Record Keeper called for his Yamaduta and ordered him, "Go down to Delhi and get the atma known as Rama Lal Babu, his time is up."
The Yamadutas went there to where Rama Lal was and looked in his body but the could find no soul. Immediately the reported back to Yamaraj saying, "How can this be?"
Dharmaraj stated that "Nothing lives without a soul, so it must be there somewhere."
Dharmaraj then asked them as to what Rama Lal did as a profession? "Oh he's a politician Yamarajaji."
"No wonder you couldn't find the soul in this body." Yamaraj said. "Go and look in his chair. That's' where most politicians keep their atma."

* * *
The Lord gave the law to Moses who was all manner of things such as philosopher, leader and doctor. But when the Israelites were ill-behaved afterwards, Moses just said to them: "Keep on with the tablets."

* * *

Pasta Prasadam Perfect.

Here's to spaghetti,
Supple and sinuous,
Slender and tenuous,
Long and continuous,
Slippery, peppery,
Doomed to entangle us;
Dangle down in festoons
To bespangle us;
Succulent serpentine,
Food of the brave;
Here's to spaghetti
And long may it wave !
 
David Bogen in Los Angles Times.

* * *

In olden times pretenders were so called because of their show of austerities.

But in these fallen times, those we call pretenders are even proud of what they have not done!

     From Fozzielle (A Moslem book of Ascetics).
* * *

I  had some kurtas made by my old friend six fingers in Vrindavana, fine workmanship.........!
 I went to put one on last week and thought that the kurta had shrunk in the wash, until I realised I was trying to get my head through a button hole.

* * *

What's the difference between an Indian Elephant and an Afrikan Elephant?

About 4,000 miles.

* * *

Once there was this one village boy from Bihar who was travelling on a train going towards Delhi. The T.T.E. asked to see his ticket and the Bihari produced two tickets, and gave them to the inspector. The T.T.E. a little bemused asked him why he had two tickets when it was obvious that he was travelling alone. "It is in case I lose one of them!"
 The T.T.E. then asked, "What will happen if you loose both of them?"

"Oh that's alright, that's why I have a monthly pass!"

* * *

Four bulls in a field always kept near to one another and ate their food together.  A lion, watching them from a distance, wanted to eat them, but while he could have attacked any one of them alone, he dared not risk it while they were all together because he knew they would defeat him.  So he thought of a plan.  He started unkind rumours about the bulls, and spread them about as though they had been talking about one each other.  The bulls heard the rumours, and became so distrustful of each other that they separated, and each began to eat by himself.  The lion then fell upon each one of them in turn, and ate them all up.

This is one thing that the British did very effectively in India during the rule of the British Raj, they called it divide and rule. The moral is that we have to stick together under the common goal, knowing who and what we are by nature and the effects of outside influences. If we are faithful and non duplicitous to the cause, to Guru and Krishna and not simply look for our own interests, and then maya cannot work her conspiracy upon us.

* * *

Clean up the air and treat animals fair.

     Captain Beefheart (Don Van Vliet).

* * *

Once a group of rabbits were being eaten by a lion.  So they made an agreement and met with the lion, pleading with him to limit his killing.  They said, "We are all terrified, and you also are not getting to eat every day.  So why don't we make an agreement that every day one of us will come to you, and you can eat us.  In that way, we will not be so terrified, and you will at least get one rabbit a day."  The lion agreed to the proposal.  But one day, one of the more intelligent rabbits thought, "What is this?  Why am I rushing into death?  Today is my last day.  Let me enjoy on the way."  So in a very leisurely way, stopping sometimes beside a river and then a well, the rabbit finally arrived late before the lion.  The lion was very angry and roared, "Why have you come late?"  The rabbit replied, "It is not my fault, because on the way another lion said he was going to eat me.  It was all I could do to get away from him."  The lion said, "Who is challenging my authority?  Let me find him."  So the rabbit led him to the edge of a well and said, "He's in there."  The lion looked inside and saw the shadow of a lion.  When he roared, the reflection lion roared back, and so the lion jumped into the well to attack.  In this way the rabbit finished the lion.  MORAL:  If a high-level man says something favourable, then you can go back to him and complain on his behalf.  Tell him that you have told one of his clerks or ministers that the top-level man says they must give permission but the clerks are not caring for his word.  Then the top minister will say, "Oh?  Then I will finish him."

* * *

Some people aren't hard of hearing;
They're hard of listening.

* * *

"Waiter there's a caterpillar on my salad!"

"It's alright prabhu, we wont charge any extra!"

* * *

"People surprise you. Sometimes the person you expect to kick you when you're down will be the one to help you get back up."
   Life's Little Lessons by H.Jackson-Brown 1995.

* * *

Could it be said that the reason that history repeats itself is because people weren't listening properly the first time?

* * *

What kind of vegetable is especially dangerous if found on ships?

Leeks.

* * *

Swallow your pride, it's non-fattening.

* * *

A person who rows the boat doesn't have time to rock it.

* * *

For those of us who try to make our plans to further enjoy in the future, we try to cover the various kleshes, or suffering with policies and all as we all know too well, all kinds of cover plans are made to minimise the misery. For example "Health Insurance" is the classic though it has some benefits it's like wearing a hospital gown, you only think that you're fully covered.

* * *

A Paradigm.

There were persons were standing on a viewing tower overlooking a valley.

One was an artist, one a real estate agent, a drunk, timber yard proprietor, a cowboy,  a debauchee, and a devotee.

As they stood overlooking a massive abyss, each one of them responded with a cry of exclamation according to their perspective.

The artist said, "Oh what a beautiful picture this would paint."
The realtor said, ".....and for just a small deposit it could be yours."
The drunk, "Where are the best places for a vineyard?"
"......a lot of mighty fine timber down there," said the timber yard proprietor.
The cowboy said, "What a terrible place to lose a cow!"
The debauchee, surveying the area said, "Do you get many tourists here?"
While the devotee thought out loud, "Yes, this my Lord is but a spark of Your splendour!"

* * *

"Waiter, do you have frogs legs?"

"No, prabhu, I've always walked like this! And besides this is a vegetarian restaurant. "

"okay hop over there and get me the menu....."

* * *

Once there was a monkey who was jumping around in the forest when he saw a big tree that was half cut through with a plug wedged in it.  The system of the wood cutters was that they would sometimes half cut through a big tree, leave it for the day, and then come back and cut the rest of it the next day.  In the meantime, to preserve their cut, they would put a plug there.  So this monkey became very curious about the half-cut tree, and he managed to push out the plug.  And the big tree suddenly joined and cut off his tail.

MORAL: Mind your own business

* * *

One's neighbours' grass is said to always look greener, but we have proof that one's own is easier to maintain.

* * *

What is the perfect cure for dandruff?

Baldness.

* * *

Where in this world is one sure to find health, wealth and happiness?

In a dictionary.

* * *

Two cockroaches were in an alley licking the grease from an old can of ghee in the bin from Gopals' restaurant across the street. "Hey, I was just in that new Gopals' restaurant across the street," said one of the cockies. "Man it's so clean! The kitchen is spotless and the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
 " Come on, please," said the other cockroach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating."

* * *

"Waiter, is there soup on the menu?"

"No, mataji, I wiped it off!"

* * *

Do you know why the deer managed to outrun the cheetah.

Because cheetahs never win.

* * *

Diplomats and crabs are creatures of the same nature.

It's almost impossible to know for sure whether they are coming or going.

* * *

What did the vet give to the elephant who had a nervous break down?

Trunkquillizers.

* * *

Did you hear about the elephant who went into the computer shop asking for a new system with lots of memory (some preferably extended), but without a mouse?

* * *

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

* * *

What makes a loaf of bread happy?

Being kneaded.

* * *

What do you call a mushroom with lots of friends?

A Fun-gi.

* * *

The devotee is like a hedgehog. Once I saw a hedgehog being harassed by magpies. But he just curled into a prickly ball and they couldn't touch him. Even the biggest animal can't harm a hedgehog. So the devotee is like that. If he meets some obstacle, he just looks internally, surrenders to Krishna and overcomes it, regardless of how big it is.

* * *

What's as big as an elephant but doesn't weigh anything?

The elephant's shadow.

* * *

How come the temple cat is so small?

He was brought up on condensed milk.

* * *

What do you get if a brahmacari falls into a vat of  honey?

A naistiki brahmacari.

* * *

If you cross a parrot with a wood pecker what do you get?

A bird that talks to you in Morse code!

* * *

What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow?

A creature that can milk itself!

* * *

What do cows produce during earthquakes?

Milk shakes!

* * *

What do you get from forgetful cows?

Milk of amnesia!

* * *

Where would you find a prehistoric cow?

In a moo-seum.

* * *

What did the bull say to the cow?

I will love you for heifer!

* * *

In India the summers are so hot that the cows only give evaporated milk.

* * *

What cows have the shortest legs?

The smallest ones.

* * *

What do you call a bull with no legs?

A ranch slider.

* * *

A humble dairy farmer who was a millionaire was telling some of his associates; "All that I own I have gotten from udders."

* * *

What's the difference between a cow and a baby?

A cow drinks water and makes milk, whereas a baby drinks milk and makes water.

* * *

What happens when cows die?

They get cream-ated?

* * *

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bull-dozer.

* * *

When cattle moo what note is it in?

Beef flat !

* * *

What do you get if you lie under a cow?

A pat on the head !

* * *

What's green and goes Boiing Boiing Boiing?

A spring cabbage!

* * *

Spell "mouse trap" in three letters!

C-A-T.

* * *

Farmer to friend; "For a while now I've been experimenting with some of my cows, brushing their teeth every morning. And now they give dental cream."

* * *
One of the devotees down on the farm has been feeding some of the cows with corn flour, and vanilla beans so that they can produce instant custard.

* * *

A friend of mine has got a dog, he's really from the old school, whenever the E-mail comes in, he sits in front of the computer and barks.

* * *

Did you hear about the panda who tried to mate with a harmonium?
Experts fear that it might be the cause of pandemonium.

* * *

Did You Put The Cat Out?

I Didn't Know It Was On Fire!

* * *

A farmer wrote to a rural newspaper to ask, "How long cows should be milked ?."
A week later, and with much thought his reply came in the post, "The same as short cows."

* * *

What does unrestricted eating in restaurants and chai shops in India have in common with the Indian International Cricket team?

"They both have good potential for giving the runs!"

* * *

What happened when Dr Ray of the A.V.M. hospital in Mathura accidentally trod on a snake on the way to the hospital......................He became an X-Ray.

* * *

Why do humming birds hum?

..............because no one has preached to them the glories of chanting Hare Krishna.

* * *

Name fourteen things that have milk in them.

Ice cream, milk sweets, sweet rice, yoghurt, ghee, cheese, butter, milk powder, a milk bottle, two cows, Coconuts, my refrigerator and Krishna's tummy.

* * *

Hollywood movies would improve greatly if they shot less film and more producers.

* * *

If one horse is said to be fifteen hands, if there were two more horses also present how many hands would all the horses collectively have?

None, ...........................................horses don't have hands.

* * *

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the Great Perhaps?

* * *

Time is the great teacher.

It's too bad that it kills all of its students.

* * *
 

Whilst in Vrindavan recently we observed a pig farmer calling out, "Ballpoint, Ballpoint, come here Ballpoint."  One devotee approached the farmer and asked him if that was really the name of his pig. The farmer replied, "No, ......that's just his pen name."

* * *

A party who were on pilgrimage to Mayapura, to do the Navadwip Parikrama went to a small lodge to spend the night. The lodge keeper approached them, and they asked if there were any rooms.
"Ha, rooms available." replied the lodge keeper.
"Any food?" they asked.
"Ha, food available." the lodge keeper replied.
"Is there a dhobi?" they asked.
"Yes, dhobi is available."
"Can we arrange transport to take us on pilgrimage tomorrow?"
"Ha, transport, available." the lodge keeper said.
"Are there many mosquitoes here?"
"Ha, Mosquitoes also available." replied the lodge keeper.

* * *

My wife dresses the Deities at our temple a couple of evenings a week while I look after the children, and on other night I do the evening program. During the course of our coming home in the evenings at the same time we noticed that at exactly 9:30 pm every night our next door neighbour's dog would bark. My wife made the remarked, "That dog is so punctual 9:30 every night you could set you watch by him."
"They bought him as a watchdog," I said.

* * *

What goes Tik Whoof, Tik Whoof, Tik Whoof ?

A watch dog.

* * *

Some people can only see a joke if it makes an appointment.

* * *

While some people live within their incomes. Other can't even live within their credits.

* * *

When is it dangerous to go into the garden?

When the buds are shooting......!

* * *

A gurukuli went into Govinda's restaurant and ordered a pizza.

The devotee behind the counter came and asked the boy,
"How many pieces would you like the pizza cut into four, six, or eight ?

I think you better cut it into six, I could never eat eight.

* * *

I know a man who shaves twenty times a day.

Oh yeah!

Yeah he's a barber.

* * *

A parcel was returned to the post office to be sent back to the sender.

An interesting inscription was across the front of the parcel. ----- "Dead. Address unknown."

* * *

Do agnostics really say, "Oh bother" when their plane goes down?

* * *

As many of you would know, those of you that have visited India, there is a habit that many of the population are accustomed to, and that is the taking of Betal or Pan. After chewing the leaf which is packed with various aromatic and tasty eatables like aniseed, coconut, saffron, dates, cardamom seeds covered in silver dipped in camphor, betal nuts roasted in rose water, pan masala, sugar balls clove, chuna, kattha and lime the mouth becomes filled with spittle and this is expelled from the mouth at the users convenience. The colouration of this by now liquid mixture is bright red. In many of the larger cities there are some provision made where by users can spit into the corners of rooms where a tray like receptacle is placed. However quite often due to the mode of passion of the user the aim is not what it could be and so there is often seen red everywhere.
 Once in Delhi an acquaintance of mine told me an interesting, but true story that happened to him while changing money at the American Express office in Connaught Place. An American tourist who had never been to India before enquired rather naively, "When you walk the side walk around here have you seen any wild animals. Or do they only come out at night? I mean what happens to them? You see, I've seen the blood in the corners of buildings, under the arches and on the side walk. What kind of critters are they? Do the people attack them with clubs or something? What happens?"

Not being able to believe what he was hearing the tourist say, he thought he was playing a joke on him. But it was true he didn't have a clue what was going on.

* * *

Why did the elephant wear red socks?

Because his blue one's were in the wash!

* * *

Why do devotees fall asleep in class? Nasta prayesu abhadresu. By regular attendance in classes on the Bhagavatam, all troubles are destroyed. No troubles means one is peaceful. And so peaceful means one goes to sleep.(???)

* * *

No God, no peace.
Know God, know peace.

* * *

Wherever there is Krishna and Arjuna there will also be beauty, victory, opulence, power,
...............and fools like me here, trying to enjoy it all.

* * *

"Mataji what's that cat doing o the temple lawn???"
"Oh, that cat has died!"
"What do you mean died, mataji???"
"Krishna has taken the cat back home!"
"Mataji, what does Krishna want with a dead cat????"

* * *

If you are lazy at school you lose your education
If you are lazy in business you lose money
If you are lazy on the battlefield you lose your head
If you are lazy in Krsna consciousness you lose the goal of life.

* * *

 Little girl. "My teacher at school must be very religious."
"Why is that?" asked her mother.
"Every time I ask a question in class she says, 'Oh my God.'

* * *

An optimist thinks that the glass is half full; a pessimist thinks that the glass is half empty; A realist knows that if he sticks around, he's eventually going to have to wash the glass. However a Vedantist knows who the glass belongs to and is quite willing to make use of whatever is there, offer it to God, use it for the service of the Lord, and wash the glass and return it to the rightful owner.

Devotees have a tendency to be optimistic pessimists, or was it pessimistic optimists.
We see the short comings of the material world, but have all hope for the future by the proper engagement in devotional service.
 We are optimistic about our future of going back home but pessimistic about the future of this material world. Keeping that in mind we are only pessimistic towards the view of material optimists who simply hope against hope that the temporary pleasures of this world will become permanent.

* * *

As a devotee was going around collecting donations for Food for Life. The owner of the local gambling casino, who also owned other various houses of ill repute, came to the devotee with a $1000 donation. "This is for your project" he said.  Then continued sarcastically, "This is the devils money". That's alright said the devotee said the devotee cheerfully, "If that's the case he's had it long enough. Now lets return it to it's rightful owner, Lord Krishna".

* * *

One time while selling oil paintings one devotee who was renowned for eating five or six times more than anyone else, went into a house to try to liberated some funds for the temple. While he was showing the paintings to the family a small dog came into the room. About this same time the devotee feeling his prasadam's weight had to pass air. As he did the lady of the house suddenly leapt to her feet shouting, "Bad dog, get out you rancid mutt."

* * *

Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it's addressed to someone else.

* * *

Wise men change their minds, fools never do.

* * *

Once we were at a Vegetarian cooking class at the local Melbourne University and along with several cookers began to give practical demonstrations of how to cook for Krishna. During the course of the evening as we were showing how to prepare the perfect halavah Kurma prabhu mentioned, ".......that you should use a wooden spoon to move the mix and thus lightly toast the semolina grains in the butter at the bottom of the pot". After he combined this with the hot water, sultanas and sugar mixture in the other pot, and mixed the two together and aloud it to sit for a few minutes, he asked if there were any questions.
 A nice boy from the science faculty of the Uni' who was at the back with a bewildered look on his face asked, "What exactly is the chemical reaction that is found by using wooden spoons as opposed to metal spoons ?."

To his surprise Kurma answered that the reaction was all his. As he just couldn't stand the sound of all of you scraping, and scratching spoons going against the stainless steel pots.

     True story told to me by Kurma dasa, Australia.
* * *

We were driving to a beach one summers day with the family. The children were very exited and kept asking, "When are we going to get there?"
 After some time we saw a flock of sea-gulls over head. "aren't they noisy? said my eldest.

"What do you think they're saying to one another?"
 ".....they're probably saying, 'when are we going to get there, when are we going to get there, when are we going to get there???"

* * *

Once a family of devotees moved from a farm temple to a city temple and found that they had to put their eldest son into "karmi school" due to the lack of provision for a gurukula. Being on the edge of a rather ethnic part of town didn't really bother them too much until one day when the boy came home from school. To everyone's surprise as they were about to take prasadam he spoke up and said, "Give us this day our Deli bread ------ it's the  ethnic Lord's prayer."

* * *

Once at the gurukula one of the teachers suggested to the other teachers that they together come up with some ideas for things to do for the children. He said "Maybe I could pick your brains as to what to do." He was quick to add that it should only take a second or two.

* * *

What do you call a Dali Lama who is not practicing Lama-hood properly?

A false a - lama !

* * *

What do you get if you cross a Mormon with an atheist. Someone knocking on peoples front doors for no reason at all.

* * *

What to Buddhists talk about when they go preaching?

Nothing.

* * *

Today in the material world it seems that confession has not only become "good for the soul," but also good for royalties.

* * *

Just recently a noble and faithful horse was expressing his fear for the future to a relative in that same family, the ass. "I have seen that my future is doubtful, these materialistic men are replacing my uses with the motor car, and other vehicles, and at the same time have taken to eating my flesh. consequently I am fearful for my future."

He continued, ".....as for you my dear ass it seems that there will always be a place for your kind in this material world."

* * *

One may have a bald tire on his car, we can pretend that it's not there, but one will not get his required warrant of fitness for the vehicle. What to speak of safety, not only to oneself, but to those around us. So we'd better fix it before now before we have a terrible accident. Still prevention is always better than cure, so we have to check regularly. If we are not sure then take it to friends who have some experience, or to an expert mechanic to reveal the situation.

In the same way anarthas like pride, envy etc, can lead to offences which will cause our downfall, of this there is no doubt. Therefore we have to deal to those anarthas now, before it is too late. The best way is in the association of devotees, and even then preferably advanced ones.

* * *

AFTER THE MANY TRAUMAS THAT COME OUR WAY IN LIFE WHICH TEMPORARILY KNOCK US DOWN, THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY TO GET BACK UP ON OUR FEET IS BY FIRST GETTING DOWN ON OUR KNEES.

                            _..._
                          .~     `~.
                         /          }
                         \   _.'`~~/
                         {_,}    -(
                          ,'-,___.'
                         /    |_ /|
                        /     ` |_/
                       /   \    /
                      /     '--;_
                     _\          `\
                    / |`-.___.    /
          ^^^……^^^`--`------'`--`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

* * *

I have heard than in our temples in Italy pasta is so popular for prasadam that temple authorities had to pass a resolution to limit it's use to twice a day.

Some devotees are saying that when one becomes initiated that you automatically become a pastor, and instead of receiving a brahmin thread one receives nine strings of vermicelli.

* * *

WHEN THE KANISTHA ADHIKARI GOES TO THE BAKERY WHAT DOES HE ASK FOR ?

SOME BUN DA JNAN !

* * *

Power does not corrupt fools, but fools corrupt power.

* * *

Once at the temple during prasadam time a young girl was heard asking her Mataji, "Why is your tummy so big Mata ?" Her mother replied, "Your Pitaji gave me a baby, and it is inside, that's why I'm so big!"
 The little girl then sped out of the prasadam room and up to her Pita who was talking to another devotee at the time. "Pitaji, Pitaji," she shouted as she breathlessly tugged at her Pita's dhoti.

"What's wrong chori....!" replied the father. Excitedly the little girl said, "Pita, .....that baby you gave to Mataji, well .........she's eaten it......!"

* * *

This is a true story which was related to me by Kurma dasa from our Gopal's restaurant in Melbourne Australia in 1993.

A short sighted lady customer looking at the menu board above the bairn maire remarked,
"Do you use ass's milk in your drinks ?"

Kurma dasa, " Ass's milk ? !!! I beg your pardon, we don't use any a such thing here."

Short sighted customer, "Well it says up there on the board, 'Strawberry yogurt drink (ass)."

Kurma dasa, "Madam, that's lassi. Strawberry Lassi"

* * *

Once whilst out on sankirtan in Australia in the 1980's when some of our devotees used to sell Jean Orle perfumes. A funny thing happened.
 It was really hot up in the 40's Centigrade, hot and dry summer, though I was far from dry. The only thing that was dry was my plastic wig on top of my already over heated, sweaty body. So to try to make the body smell a bit better, for the purpose of fund raising for the temple, I put on some of our perfumes. That day I was going door to door selling prasadam cookies and was doing quite well. When suddenly I found myself knocking on another fly screen door, there was a rare and cooling breeze I could feel coming from behind me.
 A little girl came to the door and I asked to see her parents. As the little girl called out "Mummy". Suddenly the mother erupted, catching a waft of my perfumed disguise, carried by the breeze as I stood at the door.
 Screaming out at the child she said, "If I've told you once I've told you a million times keep out of my perfumes." WHAP. Ushering the child out of the way and into the bedroom she turned to me at the door.

Actually she was "a bit of a bhaktin" and bought a few packs of prasadam cookies nonetheless.

* * *

Mad at your neighbour?

Wanna get even?

Buy his kid a drum or a flute !

* * *

Once When I Was Living In Vrindavana A Strange Incident Happened Just After All The Devotees Had Taken Prasadam And Were In The Process Of Washing Our Hands' Mouths' And Feet.

Suddenly I Heard This Horrible Noise Coming From The Hand Washing Pit, Lo And Behold It Was The Sound Of Someone Vomiting Up Today's Prasadam. The Extent Of Suffering Incurred Had Everyone Captivated.

Later, As That Boys' Wife Passed By My Office That Afternoon I Asked If He Was O.K.

Her Spontaneous Reply Was, And I Quote "He Eats Five Times More Than He Needs, Washes It Down With A Couple Of Cups Of Water,.........Throws Up, And Comes Home And Says That He's Hungry.

He Just Can't Enjoy............But He Tries, He Tries, Oh How He Tries, (She Says Walking Away).

(Name suppression has been granted as he's still active in devotional service, ki jaya, although they are no longer together.)

* * *

Keep you words sweet, in case you have to eat them.

* * *

Last week a discussion was overheard between one of the new devotees and the Temple president who was a bit of a know it all.
 "Hari Bol prabhu, I'm really worried," said the new devotee. "Every morning at 03:45 am., I have a bowel movement !" The Temple President replies confirming the shastric view in his usual 'Absolute manner', "Do you know prabhu this is a very good sign according to Ayurveda....!" The new devotee interjects, "But prabhu, I don't get up until 04:00am."

* * *

Once while preaching to an atheist who had come to our temple, Krishna arranged the most unique situation.

As we sat debating, I that there is a God, and that Krishna is His name due to His all attractive Personality, and the atheist that nothing of the sort exists, when suddenly the Deity room's outside door opened and the pujari stood there waiting. In a moment three devotees appeared from the other building  each holding a covered plate in their hands. "What's that, food ?" asked the atheist. "Yes" I replied. "It's for the next offering !" "Who's in that room then ?" The atheist furthered.   I retorted. "No-one that you'd know !"

* * *

An old friend of mine Rasulasa Radha Damodar dasa told me this story that happened to him whilst he was selling oil paintings in a small town on the North West Coast of Tasmania Australia in the early 1980's, where there are many young and old abalone fishermen. This is the area of Tasmania that relies on it's massive slaughter houses for animals,  and that also supports the fish industry.

A funny incident happened that gave him further proof of the potency of the Holy Name of the Lord. He told me that.............."Well I came upon this old house on stilts, ...........knocked on the door and asked this old man who came to the door if he'd like to see some genuine oil paintings. He must have been about 65 and a real gross Aussie." "Na fanks m'te, ain't got na time, an' ain't got na money!" Trying my usual sale pitch I continued, "It would only take a minute, why don't you have a look see if there's something there that you'd like?" The old man was determined, "Even if I had time ain't got any money. I got tweny dollars and I wanna take me sheila out tonite. Gimme a chance m'te, I'm an ol' bugger. I need me tweny bucks ta impress me girl !" So I said to him, trying his game, ".....'Ere mate, I've got some paintings that are only twenty dollars..........!" But he replied, "Come on m'te if I buy one o' your paintings hawmai gonna take me sheila out ?"  Persistent I said, "Come on just have a look, you might see one that you really like.......!" Adamant to keep his money the ol' feller replied, "It don't matter if I like one, I can't afford it. I've only got tweny bucks.......!" Desperate to give him a chance to engage, I continued, "Alright you don't even have to buy one. Why don't you just have a look ?" "But, me girl friend'll be coming any minute..........!"  "That's alright. It'll only take a minute to have a look, and if she comes we can pack them up and put them away !"  The old feller, "Oh alright then, come in." So I went in and put the paintings on the ground and said, "You may as well have a look at the little one's 'cause they're the one's that are twenty dollars !" Smiling the old man said, "I'm not spending me tweny dollars so I might as well see the big one's too."

So I started showing him the two foot by four foot one's, then the two foot by three's, the 18 by twenty four's, the twelve by sixteens and finally the ten by eight inch one's which were twenty dollars each. As I was going through the small one's I said to him, "So which one do you like the best ?" Stepping back the ol' feller said, "It don't matter which one I like, I've only got tweny bucks, and that's to take out me girl. I wanna impress me girl friend, she's me sheila, I don't get much of a chance at this age, give us a break, I'm not gonna spend me tweny bucks o.k. I don't wanna miss out on taking me girl out"
 So as I started rolling up my paintings, I was praying to Lord Caitanya, "How am I ever going to engage this old feller in you service he's hell bent on enjoying his sex life even at his age."
Then I thought lets try the Holy Name at least he can chant if nothing else, that doesn't cost anything. Pretending that I had to contact some further perspective buyers I asked him, "Excuse me mate while I'm here do you know a Mister  Govinda ?" "Govinda, Govinda." He said, "Govinda, na haven't heard that name before! Sounds Dutch is he a Dutch bloke? There's a Dutch bloke in the street behind. But I don't think his name is Govinda. Can't remember which house. Have a look."
"Do you know anyone by the name of Gopal ?" "Gopal, Gopal, that sounds like an Indian, ain't it? There's some Indians in the next street maybe it's them............. Gopal eh!"
"There's another person I want to get back to also. Do you know a Mister Balaram."
"Balaram, Jesus, you know a lot a of people with bloody strange names mate, Balaram, God, where'd ya get that one from?"
 Then as I finished rolling up my paintings I turned to him again and said, "What about Gauranga?"
 The old fella in fit of laughter yelled out, "Gauranga, Gauranga.......!???!" And burst into fits of intense laughter. He just couldn't stop laughing. By now tears were rolling down his cheeks as he laughed and laughed with the occasional, "Ha Ha Ha.............Gauranga, Oh Gauranga, Gauranga." Then gaining some composure he said with a beaming smile, "Alright m'te open up your roll of paintings, I'll get that little one with the mountain scene................Gauranga, Gopal, Balaram, Govinda, Oh God, I've never heard anything like it...............!"

Even after I sold him the painting and he'd closed the door and I was walking down the path to go back out to the street, I could hear him repeating the Lord's Holy Names over and over again, in raptures of laughter saying over and over again and again, "Gauranga, Gopal, Balaram, Govinda, amazing, Ha Ha Ha."

* * *

Minds are like parachutes........They only work when they're open.

* * *

As everyone knows for decades now Christmas has developed into one of the biggest money spinning ventures of all time. It has been so institutionalised like this that even our devotees would "get into the Xmas spirit" to distribute more books.

Putting on Santa Klaus outfits they would take to the airports and try to stop passers by. On one such occasion, during this partying period of the year a drunk came to harass a devotee dressed as Santa. The irate drunk shouted, whilst brandishing a hand gun at the devotee, "You're not Santa, your one of those Hare Krishna's ...........you're not Santa you're a fraud."

The devotee keeping a cool head opened his Bhagavad Gita As It Is, to the verse 3:13 and showed the irate drunk. See Srila Prabhupada says here in this purport, "That all the devotees are santa !"
    Told to me by Brighupati dasa.

* * *

As you may well know at Kuruksetra, the site of the Mahabharata war, there is a temple marking the place where Lord Krishna spoke Gitopanishad, Bhagavad Gita to Arjuna, called Jyotisha Tirtha, the place of enlightenment. In practically all colleges and Universities in India they carry the motto which refers to that enlightening episode, when the Supreme Teacher Sri Krishna imparts knowledge to His disciple Arjuna.

One of our life members here in New Zealand, wife of the President of the Taranaki Indian Association, Srimati Kalash Metha, mentioned to me a funny incident that she witnessed happening when she was studying at Kuruksetra University.

At the time when everyone was getting their caps during graduation the pandit from the Sanskrit department was giving his very profound speech. As he glorified God, and the benefits of education and began to wind up his speech, he quoted one verse from the Vedic literatures;

Tam so ma jyotir game, which means let the darkness be dispelled and the light come.

In the hall at that time all kinds of graduates and other students were there including some Jats, farmers sons who were studying at the science, and engineering faculty. So when the brahmin pandit made his scholarly Sanskrit  statement, one Jat turned to another and asked, "What did he say?" His friend swiftly replied, "Tere or mere ma jyotisha gai!" Which means, "Your mum and my mum together went to see Jyotisha."

* * *

A farmer was once passing by an insane asylum with a load of fertiliser. An inmate called through the fence. "What are you carrying?"
"Fertiliser." replied the farmer.
"What are you going to do with it?"
"Put it on my strawberries."
"It's a strange world. We put cream on ours, and they call us crazy. " The inmate encountered.

*  * *

Another version my father caught me on as a small boy when he and a neighbour were working in our rhubarb patch.

"Hey son what are you going to do with that manure ?"
"You told me to put it on the rhubarb Dad."
Turning to his friend, "What do you put on your rhubarb?"
"Same thing compost and manure."
"I don't, the straw gets in my teeth, ............... I put custard on mine."

* * *

Did you here about the pig farmer from North India who had such a big false ego even though he had such a lowly walk of life. In fact not only was he a pig farmer, but this particular farmer used to daily go out and collect the human faeces from the stool fields and carry it back on his head to feed to his pigs. One day in monsoon as he walked down the road he got caught in some torrential rain. Due to the rains the stools in the basket turned to liquid and began to ooooze out of the basket and down onto the pig farmers head, shoulders and chest. In fact it rained so heavy that the entire contents seeped out to cover the farmer in liquid stool.

One of his friends saw him and said, "What are you doing covered in stool, and stinking ?" "What are you talking about, I'm not covered in stool it's pig food !"

* * *

If your feet smell and your nose runs, there maybe a possibility that you were built upside down.

* * *

Once there was a man who live on an Island with his family and friends. Now on this Island there were many fruits, vegetables, spices so many things. In fact all the five tastes were there except for sweet. Actually they had no conception of sweet. For on no part of there Island was there anything growing that was sweet.

On the main land there was sweet though, and one day the head of the family went to the main land and landed in Calcutta, and found himself in the bustling metropolis of Chowrangi sweet market. He couldn't believe it, what is that smell in the air, and that taste, it's not anything that I have tasted before. So he decided to go back and tell his friends back in the Sundarvan. When he arrived, he was so full of his new discovery that he just couldn't help but tell the family about it. But they all simply said it was nonsense, there's nothing like that in existence. Then he remembered that he had a little piece in his pyjama pocket and so broke it up and gave some to each.

MORAL.
The process of Krishna Consciousness is represented here by sweet. Therefore the proof of the transcendental pudding is in the eating, other wise it remains beyond our limited conceptions of spiritual life.

* * *

Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity, and in cold weather becomes frozen:     even so does inaction sap the vigour's of the mind.

      Leonardo da Vinci.
* * *

Many years ago in England (1978) the C.I.T. (Caitanya's Instant Theatre) players put on a nice little instructive  skit for the devotees.  One Bhakta Burfi had been hauled into the Temple Presidents office for smashing up his fifth car this week. "Bhakta Burfi" The T.P. sternly addressed him. "This is the fifth car this week ! Didn't you read the highway code?"   "Er! Prabhu," Bhakta Burfi replied nervously, "You told us not to read anyone else's books, except Srila Prabhupada's...........................!"

* * *

A number of visitors accompanied the governor of the lunatic asylum around the wards one day and pointed out one patient in particular who insisted that he was God.
 One of the visitors then asked the man, "If you are really God, how did you create all the universes, and of all places why do you stay here?"
 
The fellow looked at him contemptuously, and walking away said, "I'm not in the mood to talk shop."

* * *

A doctor came up to a patient in the insane asylum, slapped him on the back and said, "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write to your folks that you'll be back home with them in two weeks as good as new."
 The patient went off then to write his letter. When he had finished the letter and sealed it, he wet the stamp to put onto the envelope. Somehow it slipped from his hand and fell to the floor. However it didn't reach the floor but somehow stuck to the back of a cock roach that the patient hadn't seen. What the patient did see however, was the stamp zigzagging aimlessly across the floor to the baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, and following a crooked track up the wall and across the ceiling. In a state of depression, bewilderment and confusion the patient tore up the letter dropping the pieces to the floor and mumbling. "Two weeks, two weeks, forget it. I won't be out of here for years."

* * *

Once a stranger to town mistook an lunatic asylum for the local college. Realising his mistake he said to the guard. "I suppose after all, there isn't much difference between the two."
 "Oh yes there is," retorted the guard. "In the asylum you have to show improvement to get out."

* * *

Great minds discuss ideas; small ones discuss people.

* * *

Talking of insanity, once when I was training a new pujari how to set up and make offerings for the Deities a funny instant happened. I had been through the procedure with him many times both in theory and by my practical demonstration, and he had been a devotee for some years so things were not that new to him. But today was his first time on his own and he was so nervous. The then new pujari with "Deity puja manual" in hand entered the Deity room. He put nice fragrant incense in the holders, put the Lords' sitting mats down, purified the tables by sprinkling water. The offering was to be made during class, so he put up the curtain attaching it at either end of the room. Then sat down and started to chant the mantras for making the offering. I was standing in the temple room and thought to myself,  "I don't remember him getting the offering." I strained and looked over the curtain to see nothing on the tables, so I loudly whispered as pujaris do, "The bhoga, get the bhoga !" The boy dropped the book, knocked over the bell, and ran for the door to fetch the bhoga...................................!

All's well that ends well, the Lord got His offering, and now the pujari is a veteran and good pujari, but who remains affectionately nameless.

* * *

Gurukula teacher, "Gaura, if two and two is four, how much is four and four ?"

Gaura : "That's not fair. You always do the easy one's and leave the hard one's for me !"

* * *

Babu Prasad goes to the doctor after an accident at work where he caught his hand in a weaving machine.
"Doctor will I be able to play the harmonium when my hands get better?"
Doctor, "Of course."
Babu, "Oh that's great doctor. I could never play one before."

* * *

Think about this !!!

Isn't it strange that for living beings like us whose bodies are made of a large amount of water (four fifths), who live on a planet of which two thirds of it are water, that the continents that we live on are surrounded by water, that we use it for washing, cooking, cleaning etc.
 Yet when a few drops start to rain from above, immediately we put up umbrellas, cover our bodies, squint our noses and eyes and run for cover.
 
"Phew.........I nearly got caught in it,"  ".......it nearly got me." etc.!

Then we go indoors, into the office or home, pull up a chair and watch it, "...come down in buckets" while we drink a refreshing glass of water !!!

* * *

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* * *

Alcohol, say some, helps one to loosen up, and see we that in some ways that is true.

Some people, because of alcohol consumption, become so loose that they can't keep anything together.
 The same profess that it frees them from all of their inhibitions. And again we see that to some degree it's true. They become free from morals, cleanliness, tolerance, responsibility.....job, wife, family, health......drivers licence etc., etc.
 Until all that's left is the savage teeth of the dog that bit you, ..............Alcohol !

* * *

If an item is advertised as being, "under $50," you can rest assured that it is not $19.95.

       Mcgowen's Madison Avenue Axion.
* * *

In the transcendental realm where all things are conscious, and with different functions, one eye was overheard say to the other one, "Just between you and I, there's something that smells."

* * *

This an essay on "Cow" which was (supposedly) written by some student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Service Examination". Contributed by Sasidhar N. Reddy.

Calcutta's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian Cow.

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream. curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with teeth whom are situated in the inside of th mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by kowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

"The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

"This is the cow."

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.

* * *

The post reminds me of the time I was travelling to Okhlahoma. The kid next to me was very curious about me. My color and features did not indicate if I was white or black or hispanic. He kept looking at me...until curiosity got the better of him. He asked if I spoke spanish. I said No. He kept quite for a couple of seconds. He asked me what language I spoke. I then asked to take a guess. By then he was fidgeting like crazy.... He asked me if I was American. I said yes (a lie). That seemed to confuse him even more. His brows were furrowed as frowned very hard. When I finally told him that I was from India, his face lightened up. He smiled from ear to ear. He was very excited and began asking questions like a machine gun. Do have snakes...Tigers....have you seen them...have you touched them..have you ridden an elephant.....do you have coca-cola. Are all Indians vegetarian.... Did the guy who built the Taj Mahal cut of his people's hands..... How is it possible for to speak English... Why do women have red dots. I was surprised that even though his questions were stereotypical.... he did know something about India.

For a change. And this kid was only about 12.

I told him yeah we have snakes...but they are O.K. The tigers are even better... They are very friendly.....They come close to you and sniff you... If you are vegetarian they leave you alone. But if you eat meat then they will eat you. That's why most indians are vegetarian. Why do women wear dots....? Each dot is unique. Since most indian women are very beautiful their husbands might be confused so they look at each dot to identify their wives. Also at night the dots will shine..like a flashlight. We regularly ride elephants. They are big but very gentle.

The ones that are not gentle we use in bucking elephant rides...just like the rodeos here. His eyes grew bigger and bigger. As for coke I said...it was first made out of coconut...in India. But Indians didn't like it much. So the Americans bought it and named it coke (from coconut). The king who built the Taj mahal...on seeing the Taj mahal so beautiful...cut of the hands of the people so that nobody could touch it and thereby dirty it or destroy it.

And I told him more and more about India. He was shaking his head in amazement when I disembarked.

      Shivram (halans@intelsat.int)

* * *
 

more to come.......