One day at the temple a devotee slipped and fell down the stairs and was lying unconscious at the bottom. Fearing the worst the devotees sent for an Indian life member, who lived nearby and was a doctor. The doctor examined the brahmacari, and looking in his eyes said, "Mmmmm pupils are four millimetres, .......equal, .......reactive and the patient is colour blind too." The devotees nearby looked at each other bemused, how on earth would he know that, .............. and so quickly. So they asked him. To their surprise he said he could tell because of the brahmacaris' wearing odd socks.

I wonder if that means all brahmacaris are colour blind remarked another devotee nearby.

* * *

In some penitentiaries in America, so I'm led to believe discipline is so strict. For only the other day one convict was banned from choir practice just because he hit a warder over the head with his shovel.

* * *

We were just about to take prasadam when Dig-gaj Lokand maharaj came over and sat next to us.

The waiter at Gopals came over and we all began to order. When it came to Lokand maharaj's order he demanded of the waiter, "Waiter bring me decaff without milk!"

To which the waiter responded, "It's chaturmasya maharaj, we haven't got any milk. Would you like me to bring you decaff without cream???"

* * *

There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy
 institution of marriage.

Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.

* * *

One evening some of the devotees went round to visit the congregational family that he was helping to cultivate. They were really nice people "New Age" types, vegetarian, chanted some rounds every day, read Srila Prabhupada's books, and generally were doing well. After being at the couples house for some time the lady asked if the devotees would like to have some prasadam. He said all right. Looking at the prasadam when it came out the devotee remarked, "what's that?"  "Soy bean curd," she proudly responded, ".....the food of the future!"
"Oh, I'll just take the sabji, and trust in no future however bright."

* * *

It's advised that one should eat only once on the days before and after Ekadasi.

So, I do....... all day!

* * *

One cook I know is so conceited that everytime the fridge door opens and the light comes on he takes a bow.

* * *

"Hari Bol prabhu, I was just over with Bhogaiswarya Maharaj, boy he's so renounced.
In fact he's talking of giving up his sannyasam...............!?"

* * *

Enjoying separate from Krsna is like taking our father's car for a joy ride.
However, we get caught by the police (maya)
And put in jail (material world)
The only way out is to call dad to come and bail us out (chanting His holy name).

* * *

One sannyasi to the other: "Both of my marriages have been disappointing.
My first wife left me
and my second one didn't."

* * *

You know how some brahmacaris are not really thinking of brahmacarya at all, well there was one like this who dressed to please the brahmacarinis.

Everyday his clothes were so nicely ironed, he even ironed his kaupins. The most amazing thing was he put on a pair of clean socks every day.

Problem was at the end of the week he couldn't get his shoes on.

* * *

Two rather "dig gaj" sannyasis standing in front of the Vrindavan Sri Krishna Balaram temple.
First sannyasi ; "Maharaj why is the bell ringing?"
Second sannyasi with very intellectual look on his face, and pondering his brow replied, "Because the Choki Dhar is pulling the perishing rope!!!"

* * *

When Lord Brahma was giving out brains, you thought he said "grains" and because it was Ekadasi you said, "No thanks."

* * *

Devotee to mayavadi sannyasi.
"Maharaj why are you banging your head on the wall?"
"Because it feels so good when I stop."

*  *

Aiswarya Maharaj used to live in the lap of luxury, but luxury got up, renounced him and walked away. Now he's known as Tapaiswarya Maharaj.

* * *

Once a  rather ragged and somewhat pretentious person, dressed as a 'sannyasi' was going door to door collecting alms to feed himself. He came upon an opulent house and knocked on the door. The lady of the house came to the door and the 'sannyasi' began his lines. "My dear mother please give alms to this poor sannyasi, who is socially dead, and who has no means of support. "Haven't I seen you before?" asked the householder. "I know. The last time you came here you had a deaf and dumb sign around your neck." The 'sannyasi' replied, "O mother that was in my previous incarnation.......!"

* * *

Vagabond to woman at the door!
"Please mother could you spare a poor beggar like me and old coat?"
"Why my good man, the one you have on is perfectly good, and new."
"I know, that's why...........................! It's ruining my profession."

* * *

Old lady to the mendicant on the doorstep,
"Your story has a hollow ring to it. Of course I will give you a donation."
"Thank you mother, it's the natural result of speaking with an empty stomach."

* * *

One devotee to another at the sunday feast: "Prabhu, I think you've had enough of that varuni, you're getting intoxicated."
Second devotee: "Prabhu, I just lost my wife, my good friend!"
First devotee: "Well, it must be hard losing a wife...."
Second devotee: "Oh, It was almost impossible! But I did it!!!"

* * *

A man decided to become a monk and having done so was told by the Abbot that he could only speak two words a year, work 16 hours a day, 7 days a week.

At the end of the year the Abbot asked him for his two words and he said 'tired and hungry' and the chief monk said "well go away and reflect on that".

Second year rolled round and the Abbot asked him what his two words were and he said 'famished and exhausted' and the chief monk said "well go away and reflect on what that all means".

Third year comes round and the Abbot asked him for his two words and he said 'want out'. The Abbot says "you had better go because  you are one of these monks that is always complaining".

* * *

Housewife to sannyasi on the doorstep. "I know you. You are one of the three sannyasis who came and had lunch at our place last year."
"Yes, you are right," replied the mendicant. "I am the sole survivor."

* * *

"Maharaj do you believe in freedom of speech?" "Why yes prabhu, Srila Rupa Goswami says in his Upadeshamrta that one of the six loving relationships between devotees is to reveal one's mind in confidence......!" "O.K. then Maharaj can I use you telephone?"

* * *

Did you hear about  Phat. E. Arbhakle prabhu who went to lunch, after preaching to that cannibal?

The cannibal was heard to say how much he liked having people over for lunch, especially devotees, so he can have some maha maha prasadam, manfully.

"You mean he was full of the man, or he said it manfully?"

"He was full of man, you could see it in his mannerisms."

* * *

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

* * *

As a proud owner of a Mini motor car Prahlad was fascinated by the intricate job of folding road maps.
Prahlad practiced and practiced until he became a famous accordion player.

* * *

One day down at the bathing ghat a young girl was in danger of drowning when a sannyasi saw her. The gallant Yati swam to her and rescued her and was awarded with a medal.
 He wasn't very pleased though - they pinned it on him before he got dressed.

* * *

"Did you notice that Vrindavan prabhu is dressing pretty nattily these days?"

"No, I hadn't noticed. Natalie who?"

* * *

Is the Alma Martyr a martyr who always gives alms to the poor?

* * *

"Good morning, Rabbi my obeisances to you," said the synagogue goer, with Jew respect !

* * *

This material world is full of cactus.
But it doesn't mean that you have to sit on them !

* * *

At the temple we always have a big festival for the birthday of Lord Balaram. You know what Lord Balarama's favourite offerings consist of don't you? That's right, Honey. Everyone knows that.
 So at the last festival that we had, we ended up having so much honey that afterwards we just didn't know what to do with it all. One of our cooks suggested that it would be nice to have another festival and again offer all the honey preparations to Lord Balaram.

The next day we offered honey gulabs, honey and butterscotch pudding, honey halva, honey and lemon drinks, honey ice cream, etc., it turned out to be a wonderful festival everything went real sweet. Despite the intoxicating effects of so much nectar our madhukari brahmacaris stuck in their ashrama. In fact I've never seen so many "nice-sticky brahmacaris".

* * *

Sex life is like a sandfly bite. If we try to scratch it, some erotic feeling comes. But in all honesty it disturbs one so much, the bloody mess, it takes longer to heal, and the still the desire persists.

Sometimes we try and scratch the area around the bite for some relief, only "playing" a little bit. This is like subtle sex life. You know, and I know what's going on, but we try to fool ourselves.

But the only cure is to just leave it alone, and let us get over it.

* * *

To err is human

To forgive is something special.

* * *

When faith & hope fail, try charity.

It is love in action.

* * *

Celibacy is not hereditary.

* * *

Win without boasting, and lose without excuse.

* * *

A friend of mine was restoring an ornate picture frame and had to replace some of the gold-leaf. He went to the hardware shop and asked the woman behind the counter, "Do you have any gilt?"

"Oh yes, sometimes it's overwhelming," was the reply.

* * *

You can always tell who's an authority!

Because authorities always tell you more than you really wanted to know!!!

...............And with attitude!!!@#$%^&*():

* * *

A devotee was giving a class on positive appreciation to a group of other devotees who were undergoing some negative previous conditioning crisis counselling.
 The devotee counsellor tacked up a large sheet of white paper on the wall. Then he made a black spot on the paper with his marker pencil and asked one of the devotees at the front of the class what he saw.

He replied promptly, "A black spot." The speaker then went around the room and asked every devotee there the same question. Each of them replied, "A black spot."

With a clam and deliberate emphasis the counsellor speaking said: "Yes, there is a little black spot, but none of you mentioned that it was on a big sheet of white paper. So I think we have identified some of the problem!"

* * *

Before my wife and I were treasurers (koshad yaksas) at the Temple, after another devotee gave up that post, for long and short reasons.

The long was that he slept too long, and the short was about Rs10,000.

* * *

Times were tough at the convent, with the nuns toiling for long hours to make ends meet. Their clothing became so shabby that finally they decided to freshen the garments with dye made from some of their garden plants.
 However, the nuns were horrified to find that when their clothes had dried they were too stiff to wear. Humbly, they approached the mother superior with their predicament. "My dear sisters," she said, smiling kindly, "I've told you many times that old habits dye hard."
          Hazel Ray
* * *

Alas! We see that the small have always suffered for the follies of the great.
      La Fontaine 1621-1695.

* * *

Once a sannyasi at a small temple was giving a Sunday feast class about the crazy ways of the world.
"....In this world madness takes it's toll, ..........those interested in purchasing more information on this subject can pay me at the book table."

* * *
 

MORE COMING......