According to the Ramayana there are different kinds of women who are chaste.

One like Mother Sita who is exquisitely beautiful, refined, cultured, the embodiment of all good qualities, is so pure, faithful and chaste simply because of Her intense love and loyalty to Sri Ramachandra She knows no-one else.
 Another may be 'chaste' due to social pressure, and another due to the protection of her father, or husband but still she thinks.............of others!
 The last even though full of insatiable lusty desires, is so ugly that even given ample opportunity no-one would have her, so she may also appear 'chaste', though the fields of 'chastity' are totally different.

* * *

My wife has success written all over her!

It was the kids that did it with ball pens while she was asleep in the chair.

* * *

A nursery school Gurukula teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

 The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

 "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

 "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

 A third child brought the argument to a close.
 "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

* * *

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

* * *

One day at home after the morning program, the newly married householders were having some of the bread that she had made for breakfast toasted. But with so many things to do as they both prepared themselves for the day ahead, she burned the toast black.  "Sorry," she said repeatedly, apologising profusely.  Her loving husband turned to her, "It's all right, I like my toast like that."

Spontaneously she dropped to her knees and in gestures of prayer said, "Thank you Krishna for sending me a man that I can actually cook for."

* * *

I was talking with Baladeva prabhu the other day he was telling me that every time he had an argument with his wife she would go historical. "You mean hysterical !" "No prabhu," I continued, "....historical. She always brings up the past.!!!"

* * *

A devotee couple just returned late at night from an all day preaching program. As they climbed the stairs to go to bed the wife turned to the husband and said, "Prabhu is everything shut up for the night?" "Nearly," he said, gagging her.

* * *

As a purohit I get to see many weddings, and even get invited to some mixed marriages, or marriages where Indians have friends who are getting married. At one such marrige I watched on as I saw the funniest thing as a friend of mine's sister went to a Christian Church to witness her get married. Now my friend's was married and had 2 teenage children when she came to the USA, so this was her first western wedding.
I don't kow if you know but before the Kanya sampradanam (giving of the bride) in the Vedic wedding the bride is led in to the Vivaha sala to begin the rites.
 Anyway at this all Am wedding there was this young male usher
 who came up to my friend's sister, and began to take her hand to lead her into the church, as this is
 the custom in this country (America).  My friend's sister stared at him, blushed, and pulled her hand from him rebukingly and told him, "I am married already!"
 

* * *

Why did the Gujarati go to London?

He wanted to see Big Behn.

* * *

When the disgruntled grhamedhi went to the police to report her husband missing, they asked her to give a detailed description of what he was like.

It was four hours before they could stop laughing.

* * *

If you want to know if God's got a sense of humour,

Take a look at the person next to ya!
    Jack Dale Daughrey

* * *
They say man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is truly finished.

* * *

A Vamani (female dwarf) came to the west and was so pleased that she was so well catered for.
 She bought a mini skirt for a dress, a mini car to drive, lived in a small holding, and ate short bread and condensed milk !

* * *

It's no joke to keep poking funds at your wife.

* * *
Do you know why God made lord Brahma, the first man instead of making a female first. If He had made woman first she'd have wanted to advise Him on His next step.

* * *

The Maaliars were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr. Maaliar made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Maaliar turned to his wife...

"Anu’, Show him your tooth."

* * *

Brahmachari: Do clever men make good husbands?
Sannyasi: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

* * *

One day I overheard two mathajis talking in the laundry. One said, "Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?"

The other shrugged her shoulders, "Dunno!!!"

"They are cute. They are sweet, and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off."

* * *

According to the limitations of the missionaries conception of creation, and the propaganda of modern historians, 'man in the west was living in a primal state in caves only a few thousand years ago. Due to the lacking then of Vedic culture do you think that these primitive peoples when it came for a woman to be married would be forced to choose between the lesser of two primevals???

* * *

A Christian lady was telling me how the attendance at her local church had dropped to such a degree that when the priest addressed the congregation, "Dearly beloved", she couldn't help but blush.

* * *

You could easily tell that the newly weds hadn't been assessed for marriage compatibility when they started fighting over who was going to cut the wedding cake.

* * *

If your mother-in-law and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
 
 

...............would you go to lunch or to a movie?

* * *

A young lady, Dhanistha, came home from the Sunday feast, rather sad.  She told her mother, "Aniruddha prabhu proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because, he also told me that despite his dress that really he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother said, "Marry him anyway.  Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

* * *

Once as an overloaded temple manager relaxed with his family reading the Krishna Book before taking rest, after a hard day of service at the temple, when a knock came at the door. It was one of his wife's' family relatives, "Just in the area thought we might pop in." It was already after 8:00 p.m. and the couple looked as though they had settled for the night, with no hurry to leave.  As it grew later and the prospect of Mangalarati grew fainter, the devotee grew more desperate. The conversation droned on. When the man mentioned their new car the devotee thought quickly and asked to go and inspect it. Once outside his hopes were up. "Oh what a beautiful car," said the devotee. "Why don't you start it up so I can hear what it sounds like?"
 The relative obediently got into the car with his by now proud wife and he revved the engine. "Sounds great! Listen thanks for dropping by," and the devotee triumphantly closed the car door. "Call us before you come next time so we can cook for you o.k., Hare Krishna, Good night!" And returned to the house to take his much needed rest.

* * *

There was a new Bhaktine who joined recently who had beautiful strawberry hair. Some of the brahmacaris were overheard talking and one said that she was coming from the cream of society. Another responded, "Is that why she was married before to some clot?"

* * *

Marriage teaches one, so we are told; loyalty, forbearance, self restraint, patience, and many other things that you could have learned maybe easier, and with less expense as a brahmacari.

* * *

One householder was heard asking a godbrother at the Sunday feast, "If we're all spirit souls what is the difference between a mother-in-law and a pitbull terrier?

The second devotee replied, "A mother-in-law wears lipstick."

* * *

I'm sure some of the "Pitajis" will be able to relate to this one. When my son was a tiny baby, six months or so old I was very expectant of his first words. Would it be Pra-bhu-pad, Gaur-ra, Ra-ma, or something as transcendental. While I was at the temple doing the pujas one afternoon my wife phoned me to tell me he had spoken his first words, "Da-Da."  That night our new born cried a lot and both of our sleep was very disturbed. At about midnight again the crying started with intermittent cries of Da-Da. I called to my wife, "Devi, the baby is crying again ! Hoping for her to solve the problem." Seeing my deep attachment and hearing that small voice, "Da-Da," my wife turned over to go back to sleep after announcing to me  that, "He's calling for you prabhu."

* * *

One newly married man was overheard saying the following to his brahmacari friend, "Speaking of God creating woman, did ya ever wonder if things wouldn't have been a lot better for us guys if God would have used a funny bone instead of a rib?"

* * *

This important woman went to India. When she got off the plane, she said, "Where's my dog? Where's the case?" The Air India people  finally find the case in the baggage room. They open it up--and the dog is dead.

They're all upset--they know the woman will kill them. They go and get the manager, and they tell him the dog is dead and the woman is carrying on waiting for her dog. She's shrieking, she's complaining, she wants to sue us.

The manager says, "Look, it's a cocker spaniel. Next door in Lajpat Nagar there's a pet shop. Go buy a cocker spaniel the same color and size.  She'll never know the difference."

They run and buy a cocker spaniel and put it in the case. They yell,

"Lady! Lady! We found your dog."

She says, "It's about time!"

She looks in the carrier and says, "That's not my dog!"

The manager says, "How do you know that's not your dog?"

She says in a high pitched shrill, "My dog is dead. I was taking it back to India to cremate it."

* * *
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
A wife lasts as long as a marriage: An ex-wife lasts forever!
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

* * *

The new devotees arrived from across the other side of the country and after settling into some service at the temple and staying in the brahmacari and brahmacarini ashrams for a couple of weeks went looking for a suitable house to stay in around the area. On that day, while another devotee was cooking an offering for the Lord, the new family minded their three year old son. As they went from one house to another, going into the rooms looking around, and then going onto the next house the little boy seemed a bit worried. He leaned over to one of the devotees as they drove to the next house and said, "Have you forgotten where you live?"

* * *

Don't be sexist, women hate that!

* * *

One girl I know has been waiting and waiting for years as a brahmacarini for her marital ship to come in, but now she's just too old, it's like her jetty has collapsed.

* * *

One day at the bank a nice old lady came up to me seeing me dressed as a Vaisnava Purohit, priest and asked me, "When does it ever stop, my children are in there twenties, and I'm still giving them money?"
 "I'm not sure," I replied a little hesitantly as I stood waiting my turn draft in hand, "........in all honesty I'm not really the one to ask this question. You see I'm only here to cash this check that my parents sent me!"

* * *

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in this tiny town in South India got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking  about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

contributed by Miss X

* * *

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Pitashri picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

* * *

One of the brahmacarinis is not exactly a candidate for marriage, she's so thin and not really very attractive, but people say she has a good bone structure.

Anyway all the local dogs like her.

* * *

How do you make anti-freeze???

Put her in the freezer!

* * *

WIFE: "The 2 things I cook best are kitri and apple pie."

HUSBAND: "Which is this?"

* * *

A conversation was overheard between two of the mothers. "Are you coming to the program tonight?" "Naw, sorry I can't I've got K.I.D.S. !" The first one replied, "Oh poor thing, I hope it's not contagious."

* * *

One mataji was overheard telling the glories of her young son Gopal. "Yeah, you know right from birth he was always musical. So much so that some devotees say that he was born with a harmonium. I guess that's why the labour was so long, and his nappies were always so difficult to put on.......!"

* * *

The devotee was asked by his wife at the Sunday feast after going up and getting his fifth plate of prasadam, "Don't you feel embarrassed keep going back for more?" "No, not in the least," replied the husband, "I've been telling the servers that it's all for you."

* * *

Once as I sat in tranquil atmosphere of the court yard of the Melbourne temple at patter of feet was heard running and then a loud shout of one new devotee calling to his wife, "Chaste women don't run." A devotee next to me made the casual comment that, "..........if chased women don't run they get caught."

* * *

Did you hear about the Gujarati who went to see the movie Gandhi thinking that Gandhi was being played by a woman.

He had seen than Ben (Behn) Kingsley was acting in the lead.

* * *

One devotee who used  to do book distribution in the airports in America told me a funny and true story that happened during the course of a days distribution in a New York airport.

A Texan came up to one devotee and asked, "Hey man you a Hare Krishna ain't you?"

The devotee replied, "Yes that's right."
Texan, "I heard some pretty interesting things about youse people. Something I alwayze wanned to know. How'd ya treat ya women folk?"

Devotee, "Well in Krishna consciousness we like our women to be chaste.............!"

Texan interjects, "Ooowe, I'd be into that. How much head start do they get."

* * *

"My wife worships me you know," said Madhu.
"Is that so ?" Shyam.
"Yes, she places a burnt offering before me at least once everyday."

* * *

Two friends were talking; "How did you make out in that fight you had with your wife last night?" Asked one. "O.K." Replied the other. "You know, before we were through she came crawling to me on her knees."
"Yeah? What did she say?"
Only one thing really - "Come out from under that bed, you coward."

* * *

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage,
 the 'Y' becomes silent.

* * *
 
 

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.

They've
 experienced pain and bought jewellery.

* * *
 

How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

* * *

The modern home has everything except one thing.

A family !

* * *

"Why do you call your wife 'peach'?"
"Because she's got a heart of stone."

* * *

Mrs Patel who by everyone's recognition was a bit dumb, admitted that she was so thin, and her friend Mrs Wallia was just as thin, but that Mrs Agrawal around the corner was as thin as the two of them put together.

* * *

"Women are like elephants.........very nice to look at, but who'd want to live with one?"
         W.C.Fields

* * *

How dare you I'm not ugly.
I'm aesthetically challenged!

* * *

A little gurukuli, Gopal asked his father, "Pitaji, how much does it cost to
 get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
 

* * *

"Now there's a woman who suffers for her beliefs!"
"Why do you say that, what does she believe?"
"She believes that she can still wear the same cholis that she used to wear before she had children."

* * *

Yesterday Harish received a letter in the mail from his wife, "Harish bhai, I missed you the other day. Come home and let me have another shot - Urmila."

* * *

A man I met last week was telling me that his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report
 it.

Because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

* * *

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.  He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.  The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.  She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained.  "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry.  She knew what to do.  She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.  She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished.  He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!  He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can?  What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said:

"'Hair Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hair.  Adds Permanent Wave."

* * *

Sada Singh joined the army to forget his wife, but six of the men in his company looked just like her  !

* * *

Some say that since the introduction of women's liberation, and the real exploitation of women, along with the passing of the law to prohibit the Sati rite - women for best part of this century weren't getting fired up. Chaste women get fired up with their husbands, unchaste women just get fired up.

* * *

Courtship: Is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalogue.
Marriage: Is what actually comes up in your garden.

* * *

A Nurse of the insane asylum approached one of the doctors, "There's a man outside who wants to know if we have lost any male inmates."
Puzzled Doctor, "Why?"
Nurse, "He says that someone has run off with his wife."

* * *

New brahmacari who was somewhat of a chauvinist asks some questions regarding women to older devotee, "Prabhu why did the Lord make women so beautiful ?"

Older devotee, "To attract your attention, so the human race would go on."

Brahmacari, "Why did He give women such sweet personalities ?"

Older devotee, "Same thing, so that you would develop 'love' for her, give her the security she needs, and look after her."

Brahmacari thinks for a while and asks, "Why, then is it said that they are less intelligent ?"

"Because it's all done to attract block heads like you !"

* * *

What's the difference between a vision and a sight?

When my wife gets dressed up for a festival or Sunday feast she looks like a vision,
and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight.
 

* * *

Young man, "I've come to ask for you daughters' hand."
Girls father, "You'll have to take all of her, it's all or nothing in our family, or there's no wedding."

* * *

A new devotee comes to the temple and is being interviewed by the Temple President.
"Are you married or single?"
New devotee, "Married."
T.P., "Where were you married?"
New devotee, "I don't know."
T.P., "You don't know where you were married?"
New devotee, "Sorry I thought you said 'Why'!"

* * *

A discussion overheard between the brahmacari thinking of marriage and a married man.
"Prabhu, would you-er -er advise me to, er, marry a beautiful girl or a sensible girl?"
"Well prabhu, I'm afraid you'll never be able to marry either, my dear friend?"
"Why not?"
"Well, a beautiful girl could do better, and a sensible girl would know better."

* * *

Temple president trying to arrange a marriage between a couple of prospective newly weds in his office.
"Mother Kama Priya, will you marry this boy Ramai das?"
"Oh, I can't. But I do admire his taste."
"If you refuse me," Ramai swore, "I shall die."

"She refused him, and he died. Sixty years later."

* * *

My wife only has two complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet
 space.

* * *

Mother Narayani's husband has been slipping in and out for a coma for several months
 yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
 When he came to, he motioned
 for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
 You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
 were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I
 got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
 When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
 

* * *

Boring Husband: "Devi, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the
 wrong finger?"
 

Bored Wife: "Atma prabhu, Because I married the wrong man!"

* * *

One devotee who was pushing to take sannyas was asked by the review board, "And what about your wife and ten children, who will look after them. Do you not think that you are deserting them?"
"Prabhu if you knew my wife and children, you'd allow me to take sannyas, not looking at me as a deserter, but more of a refugee."

* * *

Marriage is grand ordeal — and divorce is about 10 grand.

* * *

During  a visit to the Kumbha Mela in Allahabad an elderly couple became separated in the throng of the twenty million pilgrims there. The husband reported the fact to the local cot walli, police outpost but they had no solution. He also put an add in the local Allahabad Newspaper but still no one came forward having seen her. In desperation the old man went to the temple of Lord Ramachandra Bhagavan and begged, "Oh my dear Lord, somehow I've lost my wife, please by your mystic potency please could you restore her to my side."
 Then Lord Ramachandra replied to the man, "My good man! You should go along the road to the temple of My devotee Bairanga Bali Hanumanji. When I lost My wife it was he who found Her for Me."

* * *

Married life can be a very frustrating thing. In the first year of marriage, the
 man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

* * *
 

There's an interesting story of a newly rich couple from the Punjab, simple people, who having come into money were constantly boasting their new acquisitions; a brand new imported car, not an Ambassador or Hindustani. A whole library of mundane videos, a hi-fi system, so many original oil paintings from around the world.. "And of course our food is always cooked by our servants in first class asli ghee," said the wife proudly, "No dalda shalda in our kitchens."
 Once whilst holidaying at Bombays' exclusive Juhu Beach Hilton the husband whilst swimming went out of his depth and was saved from drowning. A doctor came very quickly and said that there was no problem, "I'll just give him artificial respiration and he will be all right."
"No you won't," the wife interjected, "...........for my husband it's real respiration or nothing."

* * *

Previously in India and many eastern countries, due to the natural situation of there being more girl children that boys, and to protect the female population, bigamy was aloud.
 These days, especially in the west it is a punishable offence. The maximum penalty being two mother in-laws.

* * *

Some mornings I wake up grouchy

..............and some mornings I just let her sleep.
 

* * *

Overhearing two widows talking at the temple prasadam hall. "My husband passed away only after two days' of illness," said the new widow. "..............and we had only been married for six weeks."
"Well it's nice to know that he didn't suffer too much."

* * *

Sriman and Srimati Mudhar from Bombay were now living in Vrindavan and were expecting their first child to be born there. They spent tireless hours trying to learn the local language of Vraj, so that, as they told everyone, "When the child comes out we want to know what he is saying."

* * *

Last night little Bhima came running into his pitaji's study just in time to catch his father talking to another devotee about a boat that he had just bought. His pita was saying, "........so I think I'll bung her into the dry dock and have her stern fixed up, and then while they're at it they might as well scape her bows and replace her rudder. Her asdic needs some attention, too." With mouth wide open little Bhima ran out of the room to his mother and warned her: "Oh Mataji, I so glad I got to you. Pita ain't half got it in for you."

* * *

What person can marry 50 people and still remain single?

A Minister.

* * *

Young Suresh always wanted to play cricket for India, but the closest he got was by marrying an old bat.

* * *

Mrs Usha Patel got in her Baby Maruti car last week and was zooming through Janpath when she ran across some of her old friends.
 May they rest in peace.

* * *

Mrs Gwalior is a very modern Indian lady, lives in Greater Kailash, eats at Wimpy's, and plays golf too. However, she couldn't hit a darned ball.
 Now she's started driving her new car around Delhi, and she hits everything.

* * *
Aunts and Arranged Marriages in India:

Arranged marriages have been around in India as long as probably the institution of marriage itself. Aunts, who are called "aunties" in India, have always played an intrinsic and pivotal role in it, from its conception to implementation. As times have progressed, they have proved that they can adapt to the changing times by updating themselves with the latest jargons, terminologies and sometimes even, technologies, necessary to perform this 'task'. The underlying task here is, of course, "arranging" a marriage. Darwin would very keenly have noted that, the species of aunts in India are the very epitome of human adaptation to an ever-changing social environment. Indeed, if nature ever prided itself for its "natural selection", it would definitely be its selection of genes that has helped propagate the aunts' species from stone age into space age and beyond.

Of course, the aunts themselves do not think much of their accomplishment. For them the task of arranging comes as naturally as breathing (does not include cases where one has respiratory problems). Expert socio-psychologists had earlier speculated that may be this task is more of a hobby. How wrong they were! More recent studies have shown that it's not a hobby. A hobby, by definition, is a pastime activity. It ceases to be one, when all they ever think of, and do is search for a suitable partner, follow it by match-making, before arranging the wedding. Having taken care of the victim, they then proceed nonchalantly to the next victim. The task is much akin to a rugged, well-oiled mechanical machine that processes, packages and labels, before dispatching off the final product, while the next one is already ready in line for processing...

Now, if you actually want to know what goes into accomplishing this task, all that can be said is that you must be an aunt yourself. It's impossible for outsiders a.k.a "non aunts" to comprehend, let alone speculate this complex, alchemical process that the aunts concoct to accomplish this task. No outsider has ever been able to penetrate the secret inner walls of their elite community. A few imposters who tried to fake and get into their circle have been dispatched off with severe warnings.

Not everything is lost, however. While the task itself is hard for the outsiders to understand, they can learn certain valuable things. For instance, the aunts do need information to process. Information about "eligible" boys/girls, their qualifications, whether their great grandfather was a lawyer or a school teacher etc...After many cups of coffee, and long nights of research, the author has identified some key events where the aunts are most likely to gather information.

Statistically, the wedding of a victim was found to be the "event" where they were most likely to enquire about more potential prospects. On hindsight, that seems the most natural place where "continuity" of their task can be ensured; the basic idea being, as one victim "falls" at his/her wedding, preliminary arrangements for the next one can be laid at the same wedding. The song "Another One Bites the Dust" has even been rumoured to be their favourite wedding song. At any wedding, when two aunts meet, they first look to see if any outsider is watching them. They then quickly signal and approach each other to go over "details".

To give the reader an idea of the nature of their discussions, the author has secretly recorded a conversation between two arbitrary aunts, at a random wedding. The author is well aware of the risk that he's placing himself in by acknowledging this fact. Before revealing an excerpt from their conversation, it's good to put things in perspective to the readers. The scene is set somewhere in Tamil Nadu. Not that it could not be anywhere else in India. The aunts here call each other "Mami". "Mami" is a very generic term in Tamil Nadu. It is the super of super sets that includes, but does not limit to, union/intersection/reunion/crosssection of ladies of all sizes/shapes/castes/sub-castes. It is the all encompassing term. No one is spared. It can be your mom's brother's wife, but the the bespectacled lady who lives ten streets down the road can stake equal claim to this title. The fact that you are not even remotely related to her does not matter. Period. Lest the men folk feel left out, a name "Mama" has also been made available to the general public, whose counterpart in the north is "Uncle-ji".

To further educate any unfamiliar reader, the Mamis of this day and age (space-age Mamis) tend to look for alliances in the U.S. or the states as they affectionately call it. They think the world of the US, even though it's just a country. Any US-educated, eligible boy/girl would be completely and thoroughly investigated before he/she passes their micro-screening test. (And if you thought the verbal section in GRE gave you a migraine headache, wait till you get to the aunts' screening test.)  The last thing to familiarize the reader with is that "Mami_Girl" is looking for a "smart" boy, for a girl whom she knows. "Mami_Boy", obviously has information about the boy. Without further ado, here's an excerpt from their talk:

Mami_Girl: "Where is the boy?"
Mami_Boy: " In Chicago."
Mami_Girl: "Oh! that's a very windy city! Ask him to be careful otherwise the wind will blow him away into Lake Michigan!" What's he studying there?"
Mami_Boy: "He's doing M.S"
M_G: "Thesis or non-thesis?"
M_B: "Thesis."
M_G: "That's good. I heard that a lot of the boys nowadays escape with non-thesis option. Hmm! To think that they dont want to write a thesis! How very lazy of them, I say! My Suresh did MS thesis in 4 years. Very bright boy, but advisor held him up or something. By the way, what is your boy working in M.S?"
M_B: "He's "doing" computers."
M_G: "Hardware or software?"
M_B: "He "does" both."
M_G: "Does he know Windows '95?"
M_B: "He must be knowing it. He's very smart. He even has a world wide web address. I have it somewhere in my purse. I know it starts with some http://......... But, listen mami, you are distracting me from the main topic. As I was saying, he's working on his thesis. He will finish everything in 6 months. The last I heard, he was writing up chapter 3. Only two more chapters and conclusion to go. And he will be finished."
M_G: "What about job prospects?"
M_B: "After his thesis he'll get a job in computer company."
M_G: "Will it be in San Jose or Silicon valley?"
M_B: "I am surprised you do not know that Silicon valley is in San Jose."
She then pauses, and wonders, for a brief moment... "Or is it that San Jose is in Silicon valley?"
Suddenly Mami_Boy is not very sure of herself, but continues nevertheless,

"Anyway, my point is he will get a good job. The economy is booming. Even though the government
has been shutdown or suspended, I can't remember, just because Clinton can't balance his check book. I saw that in CNN the other day. But our boys don't have to worry. Job situation is good for our boys. They are especially needed in programming jobs. "

M_G: "How is the boy's character?"
M_B: " Good boy. He's reserved, shy, but very adjusting and homely. He even knows to cook."
M_G: "Mami, hold on! Is he a girl, or what?"
M_B: "Of course not! He's just a modern man. A nineties man! He is very helpful at the kitchen. I am surprised you have such stereotypical views that boys can't cook...Hmph!! "
M_G: "Does he drink or smoke?"
M_B: "My boy is pure and gentle. He's like a cow."
M_G: "He eats grass, then?"
M_B: "Mami, stop kidding! He doesn't smoke or drink. In fact, my boy cant even tell the difference between wine and vodka."
M_G: "Yeah! Yeah! That's what they all say. If he gets that drunk who can tell the difference!"
M_B: "Cut it out, mami! If you are this sarcastic, I'd rather not continue this talk at all."
M_G: "Sorry! How old is he?"
M_B: "He turned 25."
M_G: "You mean he is running 26?"
M_B: "Mami, all this running/walking business is all only in India. In the states they round it off to the nearest integer less than the number."
M_G: "Does that mean a person "abruptly" grows one year older on the day of his birthday? Doesn't that mean there's a discontinuity in the birthday "function"? "
M_B: "I don't know about all this discontinuity business. But that's the way you tell age in the states. Don't ask me all this funny technical questions."
M_G: "O.k. O.k.. Does he have a good sense of humour?"
M_B: "Well, people laugh when he tells jokes. But they laugh at him; Not at his jokes. His punch line delivery is poor. Does that count as having humour?"
M_G: "Mami, the girls nowadays need their boys to be very funny. The boys have to make them laugh till the girls split their sides. Even if he is not very handsome it's ok. But humour is absolutely essential. Without that boys don't stand a chance in the marriage market. Zero. Nada. El zippo."
M_B: "So..so..Please tell me what I should do to help him improve his sense of humour?"
M_G: "For starters ask him to watch reruns of Cosby shows. And also Cheers. These days watching Seinfeld may also help, but then he'll learn about nothing. He can also watch some British shows, but that's more stiff upper-lip type humour. British humour is itself an irony and is hard to understand unless it runs in your blood. From what you say, your boy doesn't have that. So it's best that he stay away from the British comedy."
M_B: "Should I buy him some funny books like The Witty Birbal or Tales of Tenali Raman or Champak? Will reading these books help him develop the needed sense?"
M_G: "That's not a bad idea. But he has to soon "graduate" into reading Archie, Asterix, and TinTin ok?"
M_B: "Ok. Thanks, a lot. I really mean it. I will invest in his humour before it's too late."
M_G: "That's ok. Dont waste all your thanks on me. What's his height?"
M_B: " He's at least "6".. "
M_G: " But, mami, somebody said he is not even as tall his father. And his father isn't even 5'7"!!"
M_B: "Oh! When I said 6, I meant 5'6"....I always say only the inches part of the height, because all the people in my family are 5 feet and "some" inches...Silly me! Should have been more specific."
M_G: "Yeah, 5'6" is more like it. The girl is about 5'7". Even though, she's taller it's ok. We can tell everyone that she's only 5-5 and a half. I will cover it all up. I can ask the girl to stand with a slight dip in her shoulder on the wedding day. That way she'll look a little shorter than the boy. Worse come worst we can make the boy wear high-heel slippers or shoes. But let's not make height such a tall issue...Let's get to more important issues at hand.....What car does he have?"
M_B: "Right now he has a Huffy, I think!"
M_G: "But, Mami, that's not a car. It's a bicycle!"
M_B: "Oh right, I forgot. He doesn't have one. But when he gets a job he will buy a car."
M_G: "Which car?"
M_B: "Honda."
M_G: "Mami, you have to be specific. In Honda there are many types. Accord. Civic. Then there's even Acura integra with a 4-cylinder engine and passenger's side air bag. That is like a sports car. I personally prefer the integra. It's kind of cool. But for our Indian boys the best car is Accord. In fact, I heard from someone that Honda makes Accord suited to Indian 'taste'. Why, I even heard the Honda makers sprinkle some masala powder and other spices in the car when Indians come to buy one. That way our Indians will feel at home with the odor of the car and all that. "
M_B: "Ok, I will then ask him to buy an Accord."
M_G: "That's a good choice. And ask him to take the 3-year payment plan. In 5-year plan he will pay interest through his nose.
M_B: "Yeah! I heard you have to be careful with some of those car dealers."
M_G: By the way mami, I am hungry. It's time for lunch. I will get in touch with you soon about the alliance for your cousin's grandson and my sister's husband's niece.... And look who's there....Our Radha! I heard she has a granddaughter who is about to finish MS. Let me go talk to her to see is I can find a match for my brother's niece's 3rd son..... "
   by Srinath Krishnan <krishnan@tcad.ee.ufl.edu>

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more coming.......